Chapter 17 Ghosted
Not all cat handlers are created equally. Just ask Skitters the Cat. Not only has his handler made him the closer on a few drug deals, he's also being sent in to do battle with an angry ghost. Today on Quirky Cat Nips, we're airing Chapter 17 of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted in our ongoing presentation of this hilarious audiobook. Meow Kitties!
Listen to Episode #31 Now:
Transcript:
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Announcer: This is Pet Life Radio, let's talk pets.
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Announcer: >Cat lovers and feline friends, it's time for Adele Park's Quirky Cat Nips.
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Announcer: Today on the Quirky Cat Nips Podcast, we're airing a chapter of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted, which we will do until the entire audio book has been broadcasted.
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Announcer: We invite all you kitties to kick back now, relax and enjoy Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted by Adele Park.
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Announcer: Audio Recording St.
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Announcer: George Presents Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted Written, produced and edited by Adele Park Narrated by a full cast.
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A Directive from Gertrude Fletcher, Head of the Naval Utah Department of Motor Vehicles, Part 17.
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How does an office girl turned pit boss turned FBI agent wind up at the Department of Motor Vehicles in Naval Utah?
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By choice, of course.bite
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People with my background have options.
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For many years, I exercised all of them simultaneously for maximum benefit.
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The time I spent working for the horse track in New Jersey was instructional.
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I learned to observe things most people overlook and remember details others would forget.
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That's what the federal government was banking on.
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I never had to actually snitch on anyone.
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I simply attended the scheduled meetings and answered questions.
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Things like, who was at the track?
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And later, who played at the high roller tables?
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Did anyone leave disappointed?
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The answer to the last question was, everyone.
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I don't know anyone who is so rich they actually enjoy losing money.
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The mob syndicate who owned the track where I worked in New Jersey and the Double Deuces Casino in Las Vegas never suspected a thing.
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In fact, they used me much in the same way the government did, asking many of the same questions.
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Never was I prompted to disclose suspicions or opinions of casino employees, even the ones who needed to be fired.
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I simply told both sides what I saw and collected two paychecks.
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I didn't have any moral objections with either side because my family needed the money.
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Papa cleared out long before I ever repaid his debt.
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He'd resurface from time to time, usually asking for cash.
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My two older brothers and I had established ourselves as the breadwinners for our large family.
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Someone always needed something, even into adulthood.
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I was able to help pay off the modest home Mother lived in until she died of breast cancer.
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Teenagers these days are so entitled.
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They complain about their cushy lives, not understanding how hard others have to work to buy their expensive cell phones and designer clothes.
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Brandon Spinkle fell into this category, despite entering the workforce at a young age.
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The thing that set Brandon apart was a curious mind.
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A good quality for someone who is a journalist.
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Although Brandon's sense of observation isn't nearly as keen as mine, he's beginning to piece together what happened to his stepmother, Blue McKenna.
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Next!
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In case you haven't noticed, you've been ghosted.
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Announcer: Chapter 17, Brandon Spinkle No one calls Taj the San Francisco meat and gets away with it.
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Announcer: Except me.
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Announcer: I've actually called him much worse.
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Announcer: Scrotum Slurper, Anal Assaulter, Hickory Dickory Cock, Butthole Bandit, Manhole Muncher, Hairy Poppins, and Fruit of the Loom, just to name a few.
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Announcer: I'm not afraid to say these things to Taj's face, unlike Keifer Nichols, the butt-fingering sack of syphilis that he is.
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Announcer: Taj has a few choice names for me as well.
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Announcer: Tuna Acerole, Seaman's Souffle, Dunkin Scro Nuts, Peanut Slutter and Smelly Sandwich, Flaccid Noodle Strudel.
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Announcer: Taj never thinks about anything but food, severely limiting his creative ability.
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Announcer: That last one really beefs up the barf factor.
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Announcer: Flaccid Noodle Strudel?
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Announcer: Only a guy who's gayer than a pair of sequined underpants would come up with something like that.
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Announcer: My dad writes songs about Hershey Holes, and even he doesn't use the word flaccid.
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Announcer: One thing's for sure, Kiefer isn't going to get away with talking trash about Taj.
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Announcer: Since Kiefer enjoys social media tsunamis so much, he ought to get a rain slicker for his dad, Kip the Stripper Nichols.
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Announcer: Does Kiefer really want everyone in Navel to see footage of Kip tied up spread eagle style with his miniscule purple dung winking at two girls in doomy hard lingerie?
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Announcer: How did I get my paws on such a video?
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Announcer: I found it on a VHS tape in Blue's writing nook, stashed in the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet.
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Announcer: Taj and I took the place apart after he found that photo album with all the pics of Juniper Hollow.
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Announcer: The tape was labeled Insurance.
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Announcer: I don't think Blue shot the video.
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Announcer: She was just writing about a reality TV show called Yikes.
00:06:06.113 --> 00:06:12.593
Announcer: It was done at Gecko's Gulch, and somehow Moon was involved, probably because she owns the place.
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Announcer: The show never aired, and Blue ended up writing about something else.
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Announcer: Too bad, because there were some juicy footage of Kip looking like he just got his pecker caught in the peeper jar.
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Announcer: He still had his shirt on, which somehow made it look even more obscene, especially since it was his cop uniform.
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Announcer: As much as it grossed me out, I zeroed in on Kip waving his cooch cork at the two hotties and skimpy unders.
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Announcer: If Kiefer thinks it's okay to call Taj the San Francisco meat, then it's okay for me to reply with a video of his dad called the San Francisco Petit.
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Announcer: Seriously, my little brother Rudy has a bigger schlong than Kiefer's dad.
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Announcer: I couldn't bring myself to revive my Facebook account, even long enough to post something on Kiefer's page.
00:07:03.173 --> 00:07:06.093
Announcer: Nothing good ever comes from Facebook.
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Announcer: Besides, I'm not sure if I could get arrested for that, even with the family jewels blurred out.
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Announcer: It took me almost an hour to figure out how to pixelate Kip's prick.
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Announcer: It involved looking at his pea-sized junk way longer than any human should ever have to.
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Announcer: I edited a 15-second clip and sent it to Kiefer along with a one-word text.
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Announcer: Apologize.
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Announcer: Kiefer was waiting for me outside the Naval Weekly banner when I showed up for work.
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Announcer: That was fast.
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Announcer: Doesn't Kiefer have a summer job he's supposed to be at?
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Announcer: I brushed past him just barely making it through the door on time.
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Announcer: That's actually part of my grade, showing up on time.
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Announcer: Kiefer followed me in.
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Announcer: Are you here to take out a classified ad?
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Announcer: I asked, knowing damn well he wasn't.
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Announcer: Most of the staff were still shuffling out the door for lunch.
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Announcer: I used to think it was kind of beneath me to cover the phones during lunch, but I actually come across a lot of tips.
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Announcer: Some people have real jobs and can only call during their breaks.
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Announcer: Kiefer looked nervous.
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Announcer: Welcome to the lion's den, you fart in a can.
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Announcer: I jumped behind the desk and answered a fake call.
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Announcer: I took my time.
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Announcer: When I hung up, everyone had cleared out from the reception area except Kiefer.
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Announcer: I'm working numb nuts, I said.
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Announcer: If you aren't here to talk about a news item, then kick it down the road.
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Announcer: Kiefer must have been scared because he just stood there.
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Announcer: Jesus, Kiefer, I said.
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Announcer: Did you see something that turned you into a mouth breather?
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Announcer: Kiefer looked like he was about to cry.
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Announcer: If Kiefer wasn't such a douche bagger, I might have felt sorry for him.
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Announcer: Luckily for this scrote licker, I had work to do and didn't have time to answer fake calls all afternoon.
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Announcer: Look, Weefer, I said, deliberately mispronouncing his name.
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Announcer: You know what you gotta do.
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Announcer: Texts don't count.
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Announcer: Later, I wished I had bent him over, prison shower style, mostly because I had a really shitty afternoon.
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Announcer: About a month ago, I called dibs on covering the end of Summer Sizzler they have at the Naval City Pool.
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Announcer: I'd rather hang myself by my own cock than get anywhere near that place now, especially since it's happening on the same night as Taj's concert.
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Announcer: My editor wasn't budging.
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Announcer: I'd taken the assignment, and that was final.
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Announcer: I could see why they wouldn't let me cover anything with the rectal surgeons due to my obvious conflict of interest, but forcing me to go over to that pee pool and talk nice to all the chode's hassling Taj just seemed like punishment.
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Announcer: But I'm on track for an A and don't want to screw it up, especially since I'm hoping to get a paid job at the banner next summer.
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Announcer: Not only is Dad about to slap everyone in Navel upside the head with songs like Release the Chocolate Hostage, he's planning to live here full time after me and Lexi finish school in Vegas.
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Announcer: By then, Rudy will be in kindergarten.
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Announcer: I didn't know this until just yesterday, but Dad and Blue had been planning it all along.
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Announcer: Fine with me.
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Announcer: I drove home from work in a crappy mood, only to find Kiefer schlepping around audio equipment for Dad's band.
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Announcer: Kiefer had been hired, and by that I mean actual cash payments, to help at the concert.
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Announcer: Seriously?
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Announcer: Am I supposed to have some kumbaya moment with this demented creep just because he did the right thing for once?
00:10:48.653 --> 00:10:51.173
Announcer: Apparently, yes.
00:10:51.173 --> 00:10:54.473
Announcer: I guess good help really is hard to find.
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Announcer: Kiefer even hung around after for pizzas from Dad's brick oven.
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Announcer: When he finally left, Taj told me Kiefer acted like he was truly sorry.
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Announcer: I'll bet.
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Announcer: What singed my taint was realizing Kiefer gets to work the rock show while I'm stuck covering the zit squeezers at the end of Summer Sizzler.
00:11:14.693 --> 00:11:21.013
Announcer: I already knew Kiefer's dad wasn't involved with Blue's accident or whatever you want to call it.
00:11:21.013 --> 00:11:26.753
Announcer: Nice of Boyd Fletcher to wait until just a few weeks ago to tell me that dickwad kip didn't kill her.
00:11:26.753 --> 00:11:32.413
Announcer: Boyd was upfeeding his cat when he heard the sound of Blue's truck smashing into the bridge at Juniper Hollow.
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Announcer: Snoop dog that he is, Boyd immediately grabbed his binoculars and ran outside.
00:11:39.273 --> 00:11:45.413
Announcer: That's when he saw Kip's patrol car driving to the bridge from the opposite way Blue was going.
00:11:45.413 --> 00:11:53.453
Announcer: It would have been pretty hard for him to have caused Blue to crash her truck and then have time to approach the scene from the other direction.
00:11:53.453 --> 00:11:56.153
Announcer: So maybe Kip isn't a killer.
00:11:56.153 --> 00:12:00.493
Announcer: That doesn't mean I have to be blood brothers with his son, Kiefer the Queefer.
00:12:01.373 --> 00:12:08.413
Announcer: I wouldn't be surprised to find out Kiefer is a narc, which makes me glad we're not selling weed anymore.
00:12:08.413 --> 00:12:15.373
Announcer: I'm sure the shit not going to miss dealing with a-holes like Remy, the diamonds in the desert prince of penny-pinching.
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Announcer: Not gonna weep over Kaylee either or the free sex.
00:12:18.973 --> 00:12:22.013
Announcer: I heard from Kaylee's ex-roommate she got the clap.
00:12:22.013 --> 00:12:25.153
Announcer: Glad my pee isn't on fire.
00:12:25.153 --> 00:12:28.933
Announcer: I can't imagine having to ask my dad for some antibiotics.
00:12:29.833 --> 00:12:35.533
Announcer: He'd probably make me go to a specialist who'd insist on showing him where it hurts.
00:12:35.533 --> 00:12:39.593
Announcer: Not that I blame anyone for wanting to take a look inside my jeans.
00:12:39.593 --> 00:12:43.133
Announcer: Taj says he's quit smoking weed for good.
00:12:43.133 --> 00:12:49.733
Announcer: Turns out my little cock-a-doodle loving friend wants to be a doctor, just like my dad.
00:12:49.733 --> 00:12:53.333
Announcer: Well, not exactly like my dad.
00:12:53.333 --> 00:12:57.293
Announcer: Taj only likes to explore hairy butts recreationally.
00:12:59.433 --> 00:13:00.913
Announcer: Hang tight, kitties.
00:13:00.913 --> 00:13:02.813
Announcer: We'll be back in a scratch.
00:13:06.733 --> 00:13:09.293
Announcer: One good quirk leads to another.
00:13:09.293 --> 00:13:20.513
Announcer: If you're enjoying Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted, you should pounce over to audible.com and snag yourself a download of Quirky Cat Goes Splat by Adele Park.
00:13:20.513 --> 00:13:28.073
Announcer: Splat is the story of two twitchy teenagers who team up with skitters the cat to raise holy hell.
00:13:28.073 --> 00:13:30.193
Announcer: Quirky Cat Goes Splat.
00:13:30.193 --> 00:13:32.533
Announcer: It's the cat's meow.
00:13:32.533 --> 00:13:35.393
Announcer: Get splat today on audible.com.
00:13:38.093 --> 00:13:40.573
Announcer: Take a bite out of your competition.
00:13:40.573 --> 00:13:45.393
Announcer: Advertise your business with an ad in Pet Life Radio Podcasts and Radio Shows.
00:13:45.393 --> 00:13:52.073
Announcer: There is no other pet related media that is as large and reaches more pet parents and pet lovers than Pet Life Radio.
00:13:52.633 --> 00:13:59.473
Announcer: With over 7 million monthly listeners, Pet Life Radio Podcasts are available on all major podcast platforms.
00:13:59.493 --> 00:14:08.913
Announcer: And our live radio stream goes out to over 250 million subscribers on iHeartRadio, Audacy, TuneIn, and other streaming apps.
00:14:08.913 --> 00:14:15.773
Announcer: For more information on how you can advertise on the number one pet podcast in radio network, visit petliferadio.com/advertise today.
00:14:23.293 --> 00:14:33.413
Announcer: PetLifeRadio.com Lately, dad has been acting like an actual dad.
00:14:33.413 --> 00:14:37.073
Announcer: Which, in this case, means he's done raw dogging his sister in law.
00:14:38.193 --> 00:14:44.853
Announcer: Too bad it took Taj getting Mack trucked on Facebook for Dad to notice he's totally failed as a parent.
00:14:44.853 --> 00:14:49.213
Announcer: Hell, even my mom has paid more attention to us than Dad has.
00:14:49.213 --> 00:14:53.473
Announcer: She's here in Naval, which I'm hating worse than homework.
00:14:53.473 --> 00:14:58.633
Announcer: Mom showed up dressed like one of those starving Barbies you see in fashion shows.
00:14:58.633 --> 00:15:03.493
Announcer: I was sorry to see my little sister Lexi is turning into mom's mini-me.
00:15:03.493 --> 00:15:05.233
Announcer: Lexi grew boobs over the summer.
00:15:06.073 --> 00:15:08.273
Announcer: Taj was quick to point it out.
00:15:08.273 --> 00:15:16.333
Announcer: It's okay coming from a gay guy, but if Taj noticed, that means a bunch of other salami floggers are going to be after my little sister.
00:15:16.333 --> 00:15:25.473
Announcer: Now that Dad has smoothed things over with Jasper Stratton and the butt rustlers at Juniper Hollow, I'm gonna start pumping iron on the deck over there.
00:15:25.473 --> 00:15:29.493
Announcer: I may have to pummel a few chumps who get ideas about Lexi.
00:15:29.493 --> 00:15:34.373
Announcer: Moon's husband Randall and their twins got here the night before mom and my sister.
00:15:35.033 --> 00:15:43.333
Announcer: The second they pulled in to Gekko's gulch, Skitters decided to take our relationship to the previous level, not having one.
00:15:43.333 --> 00:15:47.273
Announcer: Skitters was back with the twins before he finished breakfast.
00:15:47.273 --> 00:15:52.353
Announcer: He's usually an overachiever when it comes to food, so this really stung.
00:15:52.353 --> 00:15:53.393
Announcer: Thanks, pal.
00:15:53.393 --> 00:15:56.873
Announcer: I guess all those burgers at Holy Cow didn't mean a thing.
00:15:56.873 --> 00:15:58.793
Announcer: I kind of felt bad about it.
00:15:58.793 --> 00:16:02.753
Announcer: Dad must have wanted to suck up to me a little because he said I could get another cat.
00:16:03.373 --> 00:16:05.633
Announcer: I've decided on a Maine Coon.
00:16:05.633 --> 00:16:12.953
Announcer: They've got a badass look and are almost as big as a dog, kind of like Skitters without the attitude.
00:16:12.953 --> 00:16:18.653
Announcer: Speaking of snarky snits, I guess Randall has changed his tune about Naval.
00:16:18.653 --> 00:16:24.413
Announcer: I don't know what all happened, except Randall's California beach boy left him for a younger dude.
00:16:25.173 --> 00:16:26.653
Announcer: Well, duh.
00:16:26.653 --> 00:16:31.713
Announcer: Who wants to date someone who looks like a hundred-year-old version of Pee-wee Herman?
00:16:31.713 --> 00:16:39.253
Announcer: Now that he's back, Randall is wagging around Jasper's posse like that nippy dog who lives at Juniper Hollow.
00:16:39.253 --> 00:16:43.793
Announcer: Randall took over decorating the space they fenced off for the concert in Central Park.
00:16:43.793 --> 00:16:52.313
Announcer: In typical Randall style, he gayed up the place with so much rainbow stuff, it looked like RuPaul upchucked a paint store.
00:16:52.933 --> 00:17:01.453
Announcer: Stopping by before my punishment started at the end of Summer Sizzler, I got held up by a security guy the size of Hagrid from Harry Potter.
00:17:01.453 --> 00:17:07.393
Announcer: That splooge biscuit Keifer told the guy who stopped me that I was cool.
00:17:07.393 --> 00:17:09.793
Announcer: Are you fucking kidding me?
00:17:09.793 --> 00:17:14.093
Announcer: Keifer Nichols is letting me into my dad's concert.
00:17:14.093 --> 00:17:15.793
Announcer: I almost punched him.
00:17:15.793 --> 00:17:17.493
Announcer: I could take him, you know.
00:17:17.493 --> 00:17:27.633
Announcer: Keifer is a year older and plays football, but I'm already getting a little definition in my biceps, just from the few times I've pumped iron on the deck at Juniper Hollow.
00:17:27.633 --> 00:17:33.073
Announcer: Taj was backstage, looking like someone just dumped a bucket of ice down his pants.
00:17:33.073 --> 00:17:35.113
Announcer: Dude, chill.
00:17:35.113 --> 00:17:38.873
Announcer: Taj flipped me the bird, flutter style.
00:17:38.873 --> 00:17:43.893
Announcer: We talked about what a booger bandit Keifer was for a few minutes, then I had to go.
00:17:43.893 --> 00:17:47.293
Announcer: Dad promised not to put Taj on stage until I got back.
00:17:48.073 --> 00:17:53.753
Announcer: That would be at 9 o'clock when the Nimrods of Naval wrapped up their stupid pool party.
00:17:53.753 --> 00:17:58.993
Announcer: Anyone who has ever been to Rectal Fest knows these aren't quiet events.
00:17:58.993 --> 00:18:03.673
Announcer: Their sound techs pound the pegs at 85 decibels or higher.
00:18:03.673 --> 00:18:05.953
Announcer: Tonight was no exception.
00:18:05.953 --> 00:18:10.293
Announcer: The Rectals kicked things off with Clean Up Your Coco Canyon.
00:18:10.293 --> 00:18:13.793
Announcer: If you haven't heard it, it's a song about prepping for a colonoscopy.
00:18:14.593 --> 00:18:23.413
Announcer: Dad and the band had reworked their normal concert routine, getting rid of all the songs that might be considered offensive, which was pretty much all of them.
00:18:23.413 --> 00:18:34.433
Announcer: Since they were doctors used to going through the back door on people, there were some colon cancer songs and a few warnings about the dangers of obesity in tunes like Mudflap Boogie.
00:18:34.433 --> 00:18:41.573
Announcer: The rest of the stuff was filler from other bands and songs Gaseous Iglesias and Slick Von Schlopp wrote for their kids.
00:18:41.573 --> 00:18:43.393
Announcer: Dad never wrote any songs for us.
00:18:44.253 --> 00:18:48.173
Announcer: Both The Concert and The End of Summer Sizzler were free.
00:18:48.173 --> 00:18:55.773
Announcer: It didn't take long for all the luggers at the pool to wander over to the show, mostly because you couldn't hear yourself talk.
00:18:55.773 --> 00:18:59.473
Announcer: I had to pull people into the guard shack to get quotes.
00:18:59.473 --> 00:19:04.113
Announcer: The photos were going to say all that needed to be said about this event.
00:19:04.113 --> 00:19:08.073
Announcer: Only a handful of hardcore homo haters stuck around.
00:19:08.073 --> 00:19:12.233
Announcer: Everyone else was next door slurping on rainbow snow cones and cotton candy.
00:19:12.933 --> 00:19:16.953
Announcer: This didn't mean everyone suddenly jumped aboard the homo handcart.
00:19:16.953 --> 00:19:21.053
Announcer: You just couldn't hear anything at the pool and the food was better at the concert.
00:19:21.053 --> 00:19:24.953
Announcer: I stayed until 9 o'clock in case my editor swung by.
00:19:24.953 --> 00:19:28.893
Announcer: By then, it was just the lifeguards already cleaning up.
00:19:28.893 --> 00:19:30.833
Announcer: Danica wasn't one of them.
00:19:30.833 --> 00:19:33.073
Announcer: I hadn't seen her all night.
00:19:33.073 --> 00:19:34.233
Announcer: Figures.
00:19:34.233 --> 00:19:41.433
Announcer: Taj was jumping up and down and doing some kind of ooga booga chant with Jasper Stratton when I finally got backstage.
00:19:42.273 --> 00:19:45.233
Announcer: Wow, that got friendly fast.
00:19:45.233 --> 00:19:52.533
Announcer: Randall must have made the rounds earlier because Taj's hair was shellacked into a Middle Eastern Billy Idol.
00:19:52.533 --> 00:19:55.693
Announcer: One of the roadies signaled to dad on stage.
00:19:55.693 --> 00:20:03.673
Announcer: The rectals were wrapping up Guarantea Diarrhea, a song from Cavity Search about how bad fast food is for you.
00:20:03.673 --> 00:20:05.013
Announcer: It's true.
00:20:05.073 --> 00:20:11.993
Announcer: Once, when I had surgery and couldn't poop, dad took me to this nasty ass burger joint in Vegas.
00:20:11.993 --> 00:20:14.493
Announcer: I almost shit my pants on the ride home.
00:20:47.288 --> 00:20:58.828
Ladies and gentlemen, good people of navel, let this serve as a reminder that inflammatory bowel disease is more than just irritating.
00:20:58.828 --> 00:21:03.008
Let's all join the movement for healthy bowels.
00:21:03.048 --> 00:21:06.888
On the subject of health, you know what's not healthy?
00:21:06.888 --> 00:21:09.828
Hate, fear, and intolerance.
00:21:09.828 --> 00:21:20.848
As a doctor, I can tell you that hatred wreaks havoc on the nervous system, lowers the body's immunity to infections and hijacks the endocrine system.
00:21:20.848 --> 00:21:25.368
Not to mention, it can also cause chronic constipation.
00:21:25.408 --> 00:21:35.628
I've always thought of the people of Navel as kind and loving, the sort of folks who follow the word of their church and love thy neighbor.
00:21:35.628 --> 00:21:41.328
Sadly, there are a few people who literally need to pull their heads out of their butts.
00:21:42.268 --> 00:21:50.368
I'm asking each of you to look in your heart and find the respect that you know every person deserves.
00:21:50.368 --> 00:21:54.228
If you can't do that, then please leave.
00:21:54.228 --> 00:21:55.468
I'll wait.
00:21:55.468 --> 00:21:58.328
Announcer: The whole place fell silent.
00:21:58.328 --> 00:22:02.788
Announcer: Dad let a couple of supremely uncomfortable minutes pass.
00:22:02.788 --> 00:22:06.308
Announcer: Only a couple of snot slurpers left.
00:22:06.308 --> 00:22:14.788
Announcer: I'm sure there were still a few homophobes taking up space, but no one wanted to miss Taj's coming out announcement.
00:22:14.788 --> 00:22:18.428
Please welcome to the stage, Taj Wakefield.
00:23:07.388 --> 00:23:11.008
Announcer: What happened next was epic.
00:23:11.008 --> 00:23:22.228
Announcer: Instead of dropping the mic like that chunker Kanye West, Taj hurled it out into the audience as far as he could throw, which wasn't that far.
00:23:22.228 --> 00:23:29.588
Announcer: Taj really needs to start pumping iron at Juniper Hollow instead of priming his pump in the bathroom.
00:23:29.588 --> 00:23:33.308
Announcer: The mic sailed over the heads of the audience in slow motion.
00:23:34.228 --> 00:23:41.128
Announcer: I could almost feel my dad having a heart attack, worrying about what might happen to his mic.
00:23:41.128 --> 00:23:47.048
Announcer: Fortunately, Nolan Ryan, the little leaguer dad hired to catch it, was right on the mark.
00:23:55.898 --> 00:24:00.558
Announcer: By now, the Rectals were back on stage and ready to rock.
00:24:00.558 --> 00:24:01.918
Who else is out?
00:24:01.918 --> 00:24:03.678
Join us on stage.
00:24:03.678 --> 00:24:06.098
Announcer: Randall was the first one to prance out.
00:24:06.098 --> 00:24:07.718
Announcer: No surprises here.
00:24:07.718 --> 00:24:14.598
Announcer: Moon was right behind him, along with the twins and Lexi, all decked out in goofy gay gear.
00:24:14.598 --> 00:24:20.338
Announcer: Hoping others would join, Dad had two sets of steps connected to both sides of the stage.
00:24:20.338 --> 00:24:22.398
Announcer: Jasper was the first one up.
00:24:22.398 --> 00:24:27.878
Announcer: I might have imagined this, but I thought I heard the entire crowd suck in their breath.
00:24:27.878 --> 00:24:33.658
Announcer: The rectals were playing I'm Coming Out by Diana Ross, so it was hard to tell.
00:24:33.658 --> 00:24:41.218
Announcer: It wasn't until the rectals segued into YMCA that the real closeters finally came clean.
00:24:41.218 --> 00:24:46.398
Announcer: It started with Norton Melbourne, the squirrely dude who owns the flower shop.
00:24:46.398 --> 00:24:55.258
Announcer: Then an orderly and a couple of nurses from the hospital went on stage, looking like they were expecting the Gestapo to show up and arrest them at any second.
00:24:55.258 --> 00:25:02.698
Announcer: A few more randoms wandered up the steps, followed by a bunch of little kids who just wanted to dance around with the band.
00:25:02.698 --> 00:25:10.078
Announcer: By then, mom was on stage too, never one to miss a chance to do the most cringey thing she could think of.
00:25:10.078 --> 00:25:16.618
Announcer: I thought about leaving, burned out from the night and hoping to knock back a few shots before dad got home.
00:25:16.618 --> 00:25:18.118
Announcer: Wait, what?
00:25:18.118 --> 00:25:20.838
Announcer: Was that the editor of the Naval Weekly banner up there?
00:25:21.878 --> 00:25:25.798
Announcer: Holy buckets, I did not see that coming.
00:25:25.798 --> 00:25:32.058
Announcer: The rectals played until almost 10 o'clock, pretty much an all-nighter in this town.
00:25:32.058 --> 00:25:38.658
Announcer: No one bothered to save me any food, even though they started out with about a million cupcakes.
00:25:38.658 --> 00:25:45.498
Announcer: Taj was starving, of course, so he headed straight for the kitchen when we finally got back to Legacy Grove.
00:25:45.498 --> 00:25:51.618
Announcer: Mom, Randall, Moon, the twins and Lexi were there just waiting for Taj to feed them.
00:25:51.618 --> 00:25:56.518
Announcer: It's kind of pathetic how everyone treats Taj like a free fry cook.
00:25:56.518 --> 00:25:58.938
Announcer: At least they don't care if he's gay.
00:25:58.938 --> 00:26:03.698
Announcer: I was kicking back with a Rowdy's Righteous Root Beer waiting for waffles.
00:26:03.698 --> 00:26:07.398
Announcer: We've got two machines, but it still takes forever.
00:26:07.398 --> 00:26:14.058
Announcer: Taj cooked up a bunch of bacon and sausage, so the whole kitchen was smoky and smelled like fresh pig.
00:26:14.058 --> 00:26:17.278
Announcer: Something caught my eye, but I couldn't tell what it was.
00:26:17.958 --> 00:26:27.538
Announcer: I looked around, and didn't see anything at first except a bunch of people crowded into the kitchen drinking orange juice and root beer, including Danica.
00:26:27.538 --> 00:26:32.298
Announcer: She showed up right after I left to cover the end of summer's snoozer.
00:26:32.298 --> 00:26:34.938
Announcer: What with Mom and Danica in the room.
00:26:34.938 --> 00:26:39.878
Announcer: All we needed to make this a perfect evening was for Kiefer to put in an appearance.
00:26:39.878 --> 00:26:44.658
Announcer: I made a mental note to warn Kiefer to keep his grubby mitts off Danica.
00:26:44.658 --> 00:26:45.798
Announcer: I won't need to threaten.
00:26:46.558 --> 00:26:48.578
Announcer: Just tell Kiefer how it is.
00:26:48.578 --> 00:26:51.318
Announcer: I like that about our relationship now.
00:26:51.318 --> 00:26:58.818
Announcer: To underscore this point, I was getting ready to say something shitty about Kiefer to Taj and Danica when I smelled it.
00:26:58.818 --> 00:27:01.938
Announcer: The faded fart in a packed elevator.
00:27:01.938 --> 00:27:06.038
Announcer: Only, I didn't think anyone had thrown a butt bomb.
00:27:06.038 --> 00:27:11.138
Announcer: No human being is capable of serving up that kind of swamp Sunday.
00:27:11.138 --> 00:27:14.178
Announcer: Taj stopped cooking for a second and wrinkled his nose.
00:27:14.798 --> 00:27:18.298
Announcer: Dad asked, who invited Hootie and the Blowfish?
00:27:18.298 --> 00:27:23.958
Announcer: When it comes to the old one-cheek squeak, Rudy is usually to blame.
00:27:23.958 --> 00:27:28.038
Announcer: Only thing was, Rudy was fast asleep in his room.
00:27:28.038 --> 00:27:33.978
Announcer: The baby monitor was on the kitchen counter showing Rudy all curled up in his crib.
00:27:33.998 --> 00:27:38.118
Announcer: Even if he'd been in the room with us, it wouldn't explain the breeze.
00:27:38.118 --> 00:27:46.658
Announcer: It stirred up the sphincter fog, making the kitchen reek to the point where I wouldn't eat anything if I just crawled across the Sahara Desert.
00:27:46.658 --> 00:27:52.338
Announcer: I finally get what dad means when he says something doesn't pass the smell test.
00:27:52.338 --> 00:27:54.938
Announcer: The kitchen wasn't just stinky.
00:27:54.938 --> 00:28:02.438
Announcer: It was suddenly cold, even though almost a dozen people were crowded around the table and breakfast bar.
00:28:02.438 --> 00:28:05.778
Announcer: This was the same thing that happened in the Oasis.
00:28:05.778 --> 00:28:09.158
Announcer: Only then, I didn't notice how cold it had gotten.
00:28:09.838 --> 00:28:17.338
Announcer: It wasn't until later, when Taj said his weewee was tucked into his sternum, that I remembered how frigid it was.
00:28:17.338 --> 00:28:19.598
Announcer: I'm thinking it's Blue McKenna.
00:28:19.598 --> 00:28:24.898
Announcer: Just because Kiefer's dad had murdered her doesn't mean someone else didn't do the honors.
00:28:24.898 --> 00:28:27.298
Announcer: Skitters could see whatever it was.
00:28:27.298 --> 00:28:33.898
Announcer: I could tell by the way he arched his back and jumped sideways for the entire length of the house.
00:28:33.898 --> 00:28:36.978
Announcer: Not an easy thing for a cat who's clinically obese.
00:28:37.758 --> 00:28:44.078
Announcer: I've already got my new kitten picked out, so Skitters is welcome to eat himself into a coma if he wants.
00:28:44.078 --> 00:28:48.158
Announcer: I found my new pet online at a cattery in Las Vegas.
00:28:48.158 --> 00:28:51.698
Announcer: Did you know there's more than one kind of cat house there?
00:28:51.698 --> 00:28:53.078
Announcer: I sure didn't.
00:28:53.078 --> 00:28:58.518
Announcer: Costs about the same, I would imagine, though I've never needed to pay for sex.
00:28:58.518 --> 00:28:59.758
Announcer: Or a cat.
00:28:59.758 --> 00:29:02.638
Announcer: The Maine Coon is my birthday present.
00:29:02.638 --> 00:29:08.498
Announcer: It isn't for another month, which is about the time I'll get to take Eleanor's snot grass home.
00:29:08.498 --> 00:29:14.278
Announcer: She's super cool with long hair and this Lord of the Rings kind of face.
00:29:14.278 --> 00:29:22.758
Announcer: The people I'm getting her from are so paranoid about protecting their business, they won't let me take Eleanor home until she's been spayed.
00:29:22.758 --> 00:29:26.558
Announcer: You'd think for three grand they'd let me pick her up tomorrow.
00:29:26.558 --> 00:29:30.378
Announcer: My dad had a seizure when he heard how much she cost.
00:29:31.018 --> 00:29:32.518
Announcer: Too bad, dad.
00:29:32.518 --> 00:29:37.198
Announcer: Maybe if you hadn't checked out for the last nine months, things would be different.
00:29:37.198 --> 00:29:41.418
Announcer: In the meantime, Skitters was going full loco.
00:29:41.418 --> 00:29:45.938
Announcer: Everyone was laughing, but I knew what was buzzing his beehive.
00:29:45.938 --> 00:29:47.538
Announcer: Taj did too.
00:29:47.538 --> 00:29:52.618
Announcer: We talked about it later over microwaved hot pockets in the shed where I sleep.
00:29:52.618 --> 00:29:56.838
Announcer: I wasn't about to eat those fumigated waffles or even a strip of bacon.
00:29:57.398 --> 00:30:05.438
Announcer: The question was, what was that thing in the kitchen trying to do besides launt a massive odor assault?
00:30:05.438 --> 00:30:14.718
Announcer: Whether you're going on a trip or just tripping, Quirky Cannabis Country is the perfect audiobook to take on your next adventure.
00:30:14.718 --> 00:30:23.758
Announcer: Find out what happens when a group of extreme kooks gathers to participate in a reality TV show near an oasis of kick-ass cannabis.
00:30:24.858 --> 00:30:30.418
Announcer: Quirky Cannabis Country by Adele Park, get it today on audible.com.
00:30:30.418 --> 00:30:36.438
Announcer: Let's Talk Pets , every week on demand , only on petliferadio.com