Chapter 16 Ghosted
Nothing rocks the world of Skitters the Cat quite like a concert with The Rectal Surgeons. Too bad his nemesis showed up to take out the purr out of that show. Today on Quirky Cat Nips, we're airing Chapter 16 of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted in our ongoing presentation of this hilarious audiobook. Meow Kitties!
Listen to Episode #29 Now:
Transcript:
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This is PetLife Radio, let's talk pets.
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Announcer: Cat lovers and feline friends, it's time for Adele Park's Quirky Cat Nips.
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Announcer: Today on the Quirky Cat Nips Podcast, we're airing a chapter of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted, which we will do until the entire audio book has been broadcasted.
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Announcer: We invite all you kitties to kick back now, relax and enjoy Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted by Adele Park.
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Announcer: Audio Recording St.
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Announcer: George Presents Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted Written, produced and edited by Adele Park Narrated by a full cast.
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Announcer: A Directive from Gertrude Fletcher, Head of the Naval Utah Department of Motor Vehicles, Part 16.
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We must have order or we will succumb to social anarchy.
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Take these so-called rectal fests, for example.
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The events staged by Blue McKenna's husband are pure madness.
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It's what happens when people go loco on a massive scale.
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Perhaps Blue plans to attend the bodacious gathering being staged by the rectal surgeons in Naval Central Park.
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Great idea if you want to clear a crowd.
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One thing that lingers in the afterlife is scent, although it dissipates as time goes on.
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At the moment, however, Blue is in the ripely rancid stage.
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She could break up a war zone with that smell.
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Like me, Dr.
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Harold Spinkle, known in some circles as Scotty Sphincter, has led a double life.
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My wayward ward, Blue, was one of the people who helped Dr.
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Spinkle reveal his alternative identity to the world.
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That's all good and fine if you're a rock star, secret agents for the government.
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Not so much.
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My understanding is that Dr.
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Spinkle didn't intentionally set out to deceive anyone.
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He just got caught with his hand in the wrong orifice.
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Rather than continuing the charade, Dr.
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Spinkle decided to embrace his double identity.
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That's a bad move if you work as an informant.
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During my days at the horse track in New Jersey, I was repeatedly questioned by law enforcement.
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My ability to report nothing but the facts caught the attention of both the owners of the track and the FBI.
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I was able to help the feds corroborate people, places and things they were investigating without being a true snitch.
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In the early days, the mob family who owned the track knew about some of the times I was questioned.
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What I didn't disclose is that I went to college on a full scholarship, courtesy of Uncle Sam.
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I worked at the track during the summers I was in school, then took on a variety of jobs within the company, eventually moving to Las Vegas where I worked as a pit boss and dealer at Double Deuces.
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I maintained my jobs with the government and the mob and never told a single person.
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I doubt Dr.
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Spinkle has led a life with this much paradox.
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Next.
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In case you haven't noticed, you've been ghosted.
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Chapter 16, Scotty Sphincter.
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Back in the days when I was touring with the Rectal Surgeons, I'd often get asked during interviews about what music I listen to.
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As the guy who penned hits like Sloppy Turd Sunday and the title track to Constipation Nation, one would expect my answer to be something like Sid Vicious and the Sex Pistols, or East Bay Ray and the Dead Kennedys.
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I was basically a doctor posing as a rock star, so I'd sometimes mention those bands, thinking that's what people expected.
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I'd even toss in Marilyn Manson on occasion, though personally I think he's a misogynistic prickster.
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Anyone who chanced a look at my iPod would no doubt be taken aback by the sea of smarmy songs I now entertain myself with.
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At the moment, I'm deeply immersed in the Bee Gees.
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One song in particular, How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?
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There isn't one person in my life who has their ticker intact these days.
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The social media crucifixion of Brandon's pal, Taj, felt like a real zap to the testes, especially since his mom just got sent back to rehab for starving herself.
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I'm no fan of Dana Wakefield.
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I was around to see what happened to Tom when she cheated on him.
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Now the guy she did it with has split like the proverbial banana Dana would never eat.
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Calling Tom to tell him his son, Taj, had been outed as gay was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
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I hacked into the belly of my dead wife to save my child, so this is really saying something.
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Tom actually wasn't surprised, which surprised me.
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I had no idea Taj was hitting for the other team, but dads know things, or at least they should.
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Not in my case.
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My oldest son could be spinning out of orbit, and I wouldn't even know.
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Why?
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Because I've had my head shoved up my ass, and not so I can take a look-see for cancer polyps.
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My blunder down under with Moon McKenna seemed to underscore this messy family affair.
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It's become painfully clear that a house of feces cannot stand, even for a rectal surgeon.
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I needed to take action.
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Tom agreed to help, scheduling time off work to come to Naval.
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Initially, I thought we'd just have a group pow-wow, one of those feel-good things like we had at the beginning of the summer.
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Tom had a better idea.
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For a minute, I didn't comprehend what he was saying.
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Then I remembered, Oh yeah, I'm a rock star.
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Not the cool kind.
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I wear a disguise.
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But I've sold a shit ton of CDs filled with songs about butt stuff.
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If anyone was capable of raising a stink in navel, it was me.
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We'd all have to pitch in if Tom's idea was going to work.
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Moon was easy to persuade because it involved getting her husband and kids back to Utah.
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Unlike me, Moon's been able to compartmentalize our little horizontal hoedowns.
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I'm caught in an endless cycle of guilt, which is only going to get worse when I have to face Randall.
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It was shaping up to be one heck of a reckoning.
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Not just about my lapse in sexual judgment.
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My wife may be dead, but my kids are not.
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If I didn't vacate this emotional goop I've been mucking around in since Blue died, I'm going to lose them too.
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Fortunately for Moon, Randall hasn't been able to find a house in California that's worth the money.
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Everything is absurdly priced.
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Even for someone who just came into a sizable inheritance.
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There's also been an issue with finding a school for the twins that doesn't involve a half-day commute.
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Randall was finally starting to see life in the Golden State, wasn't so golden after all.
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Most people can only dream of owning their own home.
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Moon and Randall don't even have a mortgage payment.
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I'll bet they encounter less than five motorists driving the girls to school in Naval.
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The only thing that isn't picture perfect is the local queer fear.
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This could be turned around with a little schooling.
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As a rectal surgeon, I know precisely how to ram a salient point up the asses of those who need it most.
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Tom got to Naval before Randall and the girls, though not by long.
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Everyone was reacting like they just licked a live battery, including me.
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Good thing I didn't have any surgeries on the schedule.
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Trust me, when I say you don't want someone probing your anus with a pair of suture scissors when they're even slightly distracted.
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It's astonishingly easy to literally tear someone a new one.
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I've finally hit the anger stage of grief, which has me feeling more energized than I've been in months.
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I was pumped up and ready to rip some rectal riffs.
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Even though it was Tom's idea, he was understandably nervous about potentially causing a lethal amount of discrimination against his son.
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Tom has talked to me a lot about having a Middle Eastern kid in a post-911 era.
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As a pilot who has to worry about passengers barbecuing their own balls, Tom has seen both sides of this.
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It doesn't help that Taj's mom, Dana, is once again running sprints in the halls of food rehab.
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Criminy!
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Why doesn't Dana do something helpful for once?
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Seriously, how hard can it be to eat a salad?
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Tom and I discussed these things over copious amounts of bruskies.
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It wasn't noon anywhere in the world, but pounding down one cold one after another was exactly what was needed in the moment.
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I'd taken a personal day from the clinic in Naval so I could be on hand when Tom arrived.
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I only had two weeks left before we headed back to Las Vegas, so my schedule was light.
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That was a good thing, because this little do-diddy was going to take every waking moment we had to pull off.
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I hadn't picked up a guitar since Blue died.
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I thought I'd sound like a rusty hinge jonesing for WD-40.
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Not even.
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Plugging in my electric guitar, I slammed out a series of chords so brutal, it woke up Rudy.
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I kind of dug his howling.
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He sounded like an opossum being waterboarded, which reflected my exact feeling at the moment.
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Cranking my amp to just below the overmodulation point, I spazzed out until the whole house was shaking.
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Tom was driving Taj to St.
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George for some anonymous food therapy.
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How screwed up is it that a sweet kid like Taj is afraid to go out for a burger in a little place like Naval?
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The more I thought about how the townies were treating Taj, the madder I got.
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It felt good to give a fuck about something.
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I thumped out a litany of screeching chords in frustration.
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I should have been concerned about the fact that my youngest son was bawling his head off, but for once I didn't.
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Rudy screamed, and so did I.
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By the time I'd hammer-played damn near every song I knew, my entire body was soaked with sweat.
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God, it felt good to hold a guitar again.
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Brandon got back to the house before Tom and Taj.
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I thought he'd head straight to the shed to further punish me for my indiscretions with Moon.
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Instead, he came in the house, grabbed the last bottle of Rowdy's Righteous Root Beer from the fridge, and asked what was for supper.
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It was Taj's night to cook, so obviously that wasn't going to happen.
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I hadn't been to the store lately, and wasn't up for whatever frozen Frisbees we had stashed in the icebox.
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Tell you what, Brandon, I said, enviously eyeing his frosty bottle of Rowdy's Righteous Root Beer, I'll treat you to dinner at What's at Stake.
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Everyone was raving about Naval's newest restaurant.
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It was owned by someone out of Salt Lake City, hence the absence of a religious term in the title.
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I knew there would be a line a mile long, but that would give me time to talk with Brandon.
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Turns out, I'm just as poisonous as Taj.
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Guilt by association, I guess.
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Despite a crowd so big it spilled out the door from What's at Stake, we were given a table within minutes.
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This was the sort of treatment I received in the aftermath of Blue's death.
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I'd become old hat since then, so the speedy service was likely due to the fact they didn't want us contaminating their dinner crowd by milling around until a table opened up.
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By this point, Rudy was passed out cold.
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The tirade he unleashed along with my guitar riffs had leveled him.
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Brandon and I were able to hash out what needed to happen next.
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Announcer: Hang tight, kitties.
00:13:37.347 --> 00:13:39.247
Announcer: We'll be back in a scratch.
00:13:43.007 --> 00:13:44.707
Announcer: Pack your bags, kitties.
00:13:44.707 --> 00:13:48.287
Announcer: It's time to take a trip to quirky cannabis country.
00:13:48.287 --> 00:13:56.007
Announcer: Find out what happens when a writer turns to reality TV as a way to cure an apocalyptic case of writer's block.
00:13:56.007 --> 00:14:00.227
Announcer: Reefer Madness ensues in Quirky Cannabis Country by Adele Park.
00:14:01.047 --> 00:14:06.647
Announcer: Get Quirky Cannabis Country today on audible.com, Overdrive, and Bookbeat.
00:14:08.547 --> 00:14:11.007
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00:14:49.567 --> 00:14:50.727
Let's talk pets.
00:14:51.627 --> 00:14:52.647
Announcer: On Pet Life Radio.
00:14:53.987 --> 00:14:56.187
Announcer: petliferadio.com.
00:15:01.367 --> 00:15:10.587
In a case of the apple not falling far from a tree that didn't actually bear the fruit, Brandon and I were in perfect sync with our ideas.
00:15:10.587 --> 00:15:19.947
Odd, because collaborating on anything with Brandon, even something like clearing the dishes is about as easy as drinking out of a fire hose.
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This was different because it involved Taj.
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I felt a surge of love touched by Brandon's obvious care for his pal.
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Maybe he even felt that way about his family.
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But how would I know?
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I've been too busy dickpickling my sister-in-law.
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Brandon and I were in complete agreement on this point.
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We needed to be loud and proud.
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Fortunately, this is an area in which I excel as the lead singer of The Rectal Surgeons.
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The proud part might be straining technical definitions, as my behavior has been less than exemplary.
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I was trying to make up for an entire year's worth of absentee fatherism.
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It wasn't going to be an easy debt to clear, but I owed this to my son, his buddy, Taj, and even myself.
00:16:10.767 --> 00:16:13.907
I'd been loop-de-loo way too long.
00:16:13.907 --> 00:16:18.227
Our dinner meeting nudged Brandon into a rare moment of transparency.
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He wants to be a journalist.
00:16:21.207 --> 00:16:27.667
The pay is crap, but life is short, and if that's what tickles Brandon's thinker, then great.
00:16:27.667 --> 00:16:34.307
I'm glad he spends at least a little time each day contemplating something other than girls.
00:16:34.307 --> 00:16:38.167
All the same, I felt like a double standard was at play here.
00:16:38.167 --> 00:16:44.127
No one is off limits when it comes to who Brandon dates, a courtesy he clearly doesn't extend to me.
00:16:44.967 --> 00:16:49.107
In Brandon's mind, I cheated like the New England Patriots.
00:16:49.107 --> 00:16:56.447
A bit of steak temporarily lodged in my throat when Brandon suggested something sinister may have happened to Blue.
00:16:56.447 --> 00:17:07.047
No, he didn't think she was murdered or even run off the road by that wanker, Deputy Kip Nichols, who happened to be skulking around the area when she died.
00:17:07.047 --> 00:17:11.907
Instead, Brandon thought something else was wrong, like Blue was in trouble or something.
00:17:12.487 --> 00:17:17.147
When I pressed him for specifics, Brandon said he just had a bad feeling.
00:17:17.147 --> 00:17:20.827
We both know something ooky happened in the oasis.
00:17:20.827 --> 00:17:26.287
Only Brandon can't say that without confessing he was out there growing marijuana.
00:17:26.287 --> 00:17:30.807
Moon and I weren't the only ones scaring these teenage dopers.
00:17:30.807 --> 00:17:33.547
We all saw something that wasn't real.
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I didn't want to delve into this, so I changed the subject and asked what Brandon was working on.
00:17:39.287 --> 00:17:46.367
I'd read all Brandon's articles printed in the Naval Weekly Banner, but I didn't know about his side projects.
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Good God on high!
00:17:48.427 --> 00:17:58.527
I had no idea Boyd Fletcher ensnared Brandon in his crazy conspiracy theories to the point where he actually went out there to investigate.
00:17:58.547 --> 00:18:07.767
I listened with rapt interest as Brandon told me what he'd learned about the operations at Regenerate, the vitamin scam they're running at Juniper Hollow.
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Hey, I'm a doctor.
00:18:10.407 --> 00:18:12.367
I can say that.
00:18:12.367 --> 00:18:23.007
If I thought for one nanosecond, some concoction of seaweed and cat urine could cure colon cancer, don't you think I'd be prescribing it?
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Even if it worked just a tiny bit?
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I have patients bring in different products from Regenerate all the time.
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I'm noncommittal, unwilling to disparage a local company, even though I personally think anyone who uses this crap is flushing their money straight down the kludgy.
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It wasn't the gut garbage made by Regenerate that Brandon wanted to talk about.
00:18:46.387 --> 00:18:53.227
Apparently, Jasper Stratton is hosting weekend warrior camps for nights in Shining Lycra.
00:18:53.227 --> 00:18:58.907
Under normal circumstances, such salacious gossip would hold little interest for me.
00:18:58.907 --> 00:19:01.447
I used to go out on tour with the Rectal Surgeons.
00:19:01.867 --> 00:19:04.307
I've seen things I can't unsee.
00:19:04.307 --> 00:19:08.487
A little dude-on-dude action doesn't phase me a bit.
00:19:08.487 --> 00:19:17.267
The important thing about Jasper's gang is they pump iron with the regularity of Pauly D from Jersey Shore and have the egos to match.
00:19:17.267 --> 00:19:24.447
Perfect for rock concert security detail, especially since we were short on time and didn't have much of a budget.
00:19:24.447 --> 00:19:30.047
Normally, it would be a cinch to get a posse of gym rats to work security for a rectal surgeon event.
00:19:30.667 --> 00:19:35.727
Hell, these types are usually amped up to the point of needing to be restrained.
00:19:35.727 --> 00:19:42.367
But this was a coming out party, and the fashion flies were still buzzing around in the closet at Juniper Hollow.
00:19:42.367 --> 00:19:45.847
The only thing I had going for me was me.
00:19:45.847 --> 00:19:49.867
Evidently, Jasper Stratton listens to the rectal surgeons.
00:19:49.867 --> 00:19:54.627
Brandon said my request would be more impactful if I did it in person.
00:19:54.627 --> 00:20:02.267
I had my remote assistant in Las Vegas overnight, a buttload of rectal surgeon paraphernalia to take with me.
00:20:02.267 --> 00:20:05.547
Getting Jasper to a yes was easier than I thought.
00:20:05.547 --> 00:20:16.907
All it took was Brandon relaying the story about how Taj got axed from his job at the Naval City Pool and the subsequent thrashing that was now occurring on Facebook.
00:20:16.907 --> 00:20:23.847
The rectal surgeons have a Facebook page, of course, but I never waste my time on that hate-churning platform.
00:20:23.847 --> 00:20:26.387
Ditto for Twitter, which is even more brutal.
00:20:27.227 --> 00:20:32.787
Jasper worked hard to mollycoddle the Muckety Mucks with social sway in Naval.
00:20:32.787 --> 00:20:43.067
He was risking all that goodwill to perform security detail for what would no doubt be the most jaw-dropping live event ever staged in this area.
00:20:43.067 --> 00:20:44.847
I wondered why.
00:20:44.847 --> 00:20:47.047
Certainly, it couldn't be our music.
00:20:47.047 --> 00:20:50.827
Jasper may be a fan, but nobody likes us that much.
00:20:50.827 --> 00:20:52.867
Jasper surprised me with the truth.
00:20:53.647 --> 00:21:02.047
His wife, a voluptuous blonde named Kelly, had quietly been evacuated from Juniper Hollow following a drug overdose.
00:21:02.047 --> 00:21:05.967
It happened about a week ago, but no one in town knew about it.
00:21:05.967 --> 00:21:11.967
To keep it that way, Jasper used his private helicopter to fly her to a hospital in St.
00:21:11.967 --> 00:21:12.887
George.
00:21:12.887 --> 00:21:15.327
Jasper was tired of all the lies.
00:21:15.327 --> 00:21:16.787
So was his wife.
00:21:16.787 --> 00:21:24.047
Not that he wanted to chop off his own dick by admitting this to the bigots in Naval, especially those on Facebook.
00:21:24.047 --> 00:21:37.727
Jasper's entire empire was powered by a social media machine that pumps out slick images of impossibly healthy and handsome people, all of whom got that way by taking vitamins from regenerant.
00:21:37.727 --> 00:21:43.307
I wouldn't peddle that crap to the buttholes I deal with in my practice, but to each his own.
00:21:43.307 --> 00:21:50.167
What was important was a promise from Jasper to bring in two dozen of his biggest fitness Nazis to work security.
00:21:50.847 --> 00:21:53.547
Taj turned out to be the only naysayer.
00:21:53.547 --> 00:21:57.507
The last thing he wanted was to make a public spectacle of himself.
00:21:57.527 --> 00:22:02.787
I argued that horse left the barn the second Taj's boyfriend posted his photo.
00:22:02.787 --> 00:22:08.247
Believe me, I know how damaging all this social media shit can be.
00:22:08.267 --> 00:22:11.087
I'm a happily divorced man because of it.
00:22:11.087 --> 00:22:14.307
Meeting Blue after all that scandal made it seem worth it.
00:22:14.867 --> 00:22:20.947
Then, she had to die and leave me with a son who smells like farty McFly.
00:22:20.967 --> 00:22:26.767
I love the little tyke to the moon and back, but he's pungent beyond description.
00:22:26.767 --> 00:22:35.247
Not to brag or anything, but my parents and kids are free-range commandos when it comes to social media skirmishes.
00:22:35.247 --> 00:22:48.667
We'd all witnessed the online catastrophe featuring naked photos of my ex-wife Colette posing with a 17-year-old while thrusting a dirty hockey stick up her SNES.
00:22:48.667 --> 00:22:56.407
Colette was so disconnected from our marriage, she had no idea I secretly toured with the Rectal Surgeons.
00:22:56.407 --> 00:22:58.907
I was gone a lot.
00:22:58.907 --> 00:23:00.887
Not that she even noticed.
00:23:00.887 --> 00:23:08.527
Colette must have thought I plumbed a battalion of colons in order to finance our over-the-top lifestyle.
00:23:08.527 --> 00:23:10.107
Maybe she didn't think of that at all.
00:23:11.047 --> 00:23:17.727
What did occur to Colette was writing a tell-all book when she finally figured out who she was married to.
00:23:17.727 --> 00:23:26.747
I gave her the tacky McMansion we were living in and everything in it, but I drew the line at making money off my hidden fame.
00:23:26.747 --> 00:23:31.387
My kids agreed, conflicted though our daughter Lexi was at the time.
00:23:31.387 --> 00:23:34.347
There was never any ambiguity with Brandon.
00:23:34.347 --> 00:23:37.447
The photo scandal continues to be a sore spot with him.
00:23:38.287 --> 00:23:44.027
I wanted to break my own fingers after calling Collette seeking her help.
00:23:44.027 --> 00:23:47.167
No way to get Lexi back to Naval otherwise.
00:23:47.167 --> 00:23:57.187
Collette, enticed by potential media coverage, practically peed her pants in excitement when I asked her to bring Lexi to Naval nearly two weeks early.
00:23:57.187 --> 00:24:01.387
Her fake concern about the welfare of Taj was annoying.
00:24:02.107 --> 00:24:10.447
Collette is too self-absorbed to care about anything but money and a seriously warped desire for fame.
00:24:10.467 --> 00:24:15.607
I've had both, and the only thing worth the money is the money.
00:24:15.607 --> 00:24:21.847
My parents reluctantly made the trip to Naval, nervous about my grief-fueled stunt.
00:24:21.847 --> 00:24:28.527
My bandmates Slick Von Slop and Gaseous Iglesias agreed to help, mostly out of pity.
00:24:29.327 --> 00:24:32.087
All of us were glad to be jamming again.
00:24:32.087 --> 00:24:35.287
I didn't realize how much I missed my guitar.
00:24:35.287 --> 00:24:37.347
The days flew by.
00:24:37.347 --> 00:24:43.427
Between rehearsals and appointments at the clinic in Naval, I was burning the candle at both ends.
00:24:43.427 --> 00:24:44.827
It felt good.
00:24:44.827 --> 00:24:47.187
Hell, it felt great.
00:24:47.187 --> 00:24:52.887
My bandmates and their families filled up away in a manger, Naval's only hotel.
00:24:52.887 --> 00:25:01.727
Colette was staying there as well, no doubt trying to entice some lonesome schmuck with her Brazilian waxed honey hole.
00:25:01.727 --> 00:25:07.567
Why do women want to make themselves look like little girls down there?
00:25:07.567 --> 00:25:11.767
Sheesh, I'm so glad Blue didn't do that.
00:25:11.767 --> 00:25:13.507
But Moon does.
00:25:13.507 --> 00:25:19.267
In fact, Moon makes her own depletories using ingredients from the Oasis.
00:25:19.267 --> 00:25:21.407
There's something not right about that place.
00:25:22.267 --> 00:25:26.307
Hopefully, we've chased Brandon and Taj out of there for good.
00:25:26.307 --> 00:25:32.947
Gaseous Iglesias and Slick Von Slop weren't interested in whatever Colette was offering.
00:25:32.947 --> 00:25:38.007
Steven Finch, drug dealer for the band, said she was too old.
00:25:38.047 --> 00:25:39.307
Ouch.
00:25:39.307 --> 00:25:44.227
You know you've got stale buns when even Steven Finch won't touch them.
00:25:44.247 --> 00:25:47.747
I was too busy to worry about who else might get suckered.
00:25:47.747 --> 00:25:50.647
Just happy to have our daughter Lexi in Naval.
00:25:51.327 --> 00:25:56.307
She was staying with The Twins at Gecko Skulch having an extended slumber party.
00:25:56.307 --> 00:26:00.507
During the day, Lexi and The Twins brought snacks to the band.
00:26:00.507 --> 00:26:03.587
Taj wrote the song I wanted him to perform.
00:26:03.587 --> 00:26:09.787
Slick Von Slop has a son who was breaking into the rap circuit, so we brought him in to assist.
00:26:09.787 --> 00:26:12.987
I was surprised at how well Taj could rap.
00:26:12.987 --> 00:26:22.427
Of course, I'd heard Taj and Brandon belting out the lyrics to songs when we were in the car, but I never imagined Taj had any real talent.
00:26:22.427 --> 00:26:29.927
I doubt he's going to win American Idol, but then there's no guarantee I could win at that mindless competition either.
00:26:29.927 --> 00:26:37.607
The Rectal Surgeons have sold millions of CDs, but our name doesn't even get whispered during Grammy season.
00:26:37.607 --> 00:26:48.927
We pulled out all the stops to prepare for the show, including building a stage in the yard at Legacy Grove, replicating the one in Central Park where the performance would be held.
00:26:48.947 --> 00:26:54.107
I know from experience, it's easy to sing something in the comfort of your bedroom.
00:26:54.107 --> 00:26:59.427
It's a whole other thing to get up in front of thousands of people and do it.
00:26:59.427 --> 00:27:05.367
Forget trying to imagine the audience naked, unless you want to really freak yourself out.
00:27:05.367 --> 00:27:19.567
I've seen the fans who flock to Rectal Surgeons concerts, and let's just say, I don't care to see what 99% of them have to offer under all those cavity search world tour t-shirts.
00:27:19.567 --> 00:27:28.667
Handing a 15-year-old kid a mic worth as much as my car made me nervous, especially since we were asking him to throw it.
00:27:28.667 --> 00:27:34.127
Beats the snot out of slamming the damn thing down after his performance like a lot of rappers do.
00:27:34.127 --> 00:27:38.127
Equipment Assault isn't unique to the M&Ms of the world.
00:27:38.127 --> 00:27:44.087
I've seen plenty of rock stars rape and torture their guitars in the name of showmanship.
00:27:44.667 --> 00:27:47.587
Know what I think marks a killer performance?
00:27:47.587 --> 00:27:53.267
Treating the instrument that pays my bills with gratitude and respect.
00:27:53.267 --> 00:27:56.007
This aside, we needed a big ending.
00:27:56.007 --> 00:27:58.327
That's where Nolan Hester came in.
00:27:58.327 --> 00:28:03.567
Nolan's family is relatively new to Naval, dating back just two generations.
00:28:03.567 --> 00:28:14.307
Nolan's grandfather married a Stratton, leaning on the family's influence to get Angels in the Outfield, a sporting goods store, up and operating.
00:28:14.307 --> 00:28:21.627
Baseball enthusiasts, through and through, Nolan was named after Hall of Famer Nolan Ryan.
00:28:21.627 --> 00:28:26.927
Kooky, because Nolan Ryan was a pitcher, and Nolan Hester is a catcher.
00:28:26.927 --> 00:28:37.367
Nolan's dad is a patient of mine, so I know firsthand the family only pays lip service to all the Mormon nonsense espoused by the general population in Naval.
00:28:38.087 --> 00:28:40.547
Maybe that's why Nolan signed up.
00:28:40.547 --> 00:28:48.827
Nolan is the type of kid who actually sleeps with his glove, thinking that will increase his chances of joining the majors.
00:28:48.827 --> 00:29:00.227
So much of his time is spent at the practice field, Nolan never even heard of Taj, even though he's the only person of Middle Eastern descent in the entire community.
00:29:00.227 --> 00:29:04.467
What mattered to Nolan was making a big catch in front of everyone.
00:29:05.447 --> 00:29:08.347
I was banking on his burning desire.
00:29:08.347 --> 00:29:14.447
We booked our concert on the same night as the end of summer Sizzler at the Naval City Pool.
00:29:14.447 --> 00:29:17.687
The event is a big wingding for high schoolers.
00:29:17.687 --> 00:29:26.607
Prior to handing Taj his pink slip, he'd been scheduled to lifeguard that night, something he'd looked forward to because the pay was time and a half.
00:29:26.607 --> 00:29:35.447
Pulling some strings with our contacts at a Taste of Heaven bakery, I ordered hundreds of rainbow colored cookies and cupcakes.
00:29:35.447 --> 00:29:43.927
It set me back more than I thought, but if we were going to pull this thing off, it had to be spectacular and it had to be free.
00:29:43.927 --> 00:29:46.607
Well, free for everyone but me.
00:29:47.707 --> 00:29:51.667
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