Chapter 15 Ghosted
Cats don't care if other cats are gay. Too bad the same can't be said for humans. Even Skitters the Cat couldn't cheer up Taj when he got outed by a frenemie. Today on Quirky Cat Nips, we're airing Chapter 15 of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted in our ongoing presentation of this hilarious audiobook. Meow Kitties!
Listen to Episode #27 Now:
Transcript:
00:00:02.360 --> 00:00:03.700
Announcer: This is Pet Life Radio.
00:00:03.920 --> 00:00:05.060
Announcer: Let's talk pets.
00:00:07.720 --> 00:00:13.460
Announcer: Cat lovers and feline friends, it's time for Adele Park's Quirky Cat Nips.
00:00:16.460 --> 00:00:26.060
Announcer: Today on the Quirky Cat Nips Podcast, we're airing a chapter of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted, which we will do until the entire audio book has been broadcasted.
00:00:26.940 --> 00:00:33.500
Announcer: We invite all you kitties to kick back now, relax and enjoy Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted by Adele Park.
00:00:41.180 --> 00:00:42.500
Announcer: Audio Recording St.
00:00:42.520 --> 00:00:51.160
Announcer: George Presents Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted Written, produced and edited by Adele Park Narrated by a full cast.
00:01:01.042 --> 00:01:07.142
Announcer: A Directive from Gertrude Fletcher, Head of the Naval Utah Department of Motor Vehicles.
00:01:08.162 --> 00:01:09.362
Announcer: Part 15.
00:01:13.302 --> 00:01:16.502
All humans are phonies to some degree or another.
00:01:16.922 --> 00:01:23.502
The reasons for hiding our bonafide selves from the world varies, but the motives are always the same.
00:01:23.982 --> 00:01:28.142
Our true identities are the easiest secrets to keep of all.
00:01:28.602 --> 00:01:32.222
Everything else, people blather out whether they want to or not.
00:01:32.602 --> 00:01:34.122
It's kind of a compulsion.
00:01:34.542 --> 00:01:37.882
It happens all the time at the Department of Motor Vehicles.
00:01:38.342 --> 00:01:45.002
The information people nervously disclose when they want something is nothing short of astounding.
00:01:45.282 --> 00:01:51.122
When it comes to the really important stuff, however, people are willing to die with their secrets.
00:01:51.582 --> 00:02:02.442
Delphina Fletcher was one of the rare ones who played all matters close to the vest both in life and in whatever cobalistic form she inhabits now.
00:02:02.822 --> 00:02:10.502
She even kept secrets from her own family, including her grandson Boyd, a woman of many hidden talents.
00:02:10.962 --> 00:02:14.642
Delphina was a master draftswoman and cabinet maker.
00:02:15.182 --> 00:02:21.102
Old photos of pieces she made for Juniper Hollow depict a high degree of woodworking mastery.
00:02:21.582 --> 00:02:28.882
I didn't know Delphina when she was alive, but I came to appreciate her work conveyed through old photos and blueprints.
00:02:29.442 --> 00:02:34.282
I was intrigued by all the hidden compartments and false-bottomed drawers.
00:02:34.722 --> 00:02:39.042
Delphina's work wasn't just limited to hutches and armoires.
00:02:39.682 --> 00:02:47.242
She crafted larger things as well, including the lookout posts built into the pillars of the bridge at Juniper Hollow.
00:02:47.682 --> 00:02:54.522
While delighting in creating secret crannies and hiding nooks, Delphina didn't show most of them to her grandson.
00:02:55.022 --> 00:02:55.502
Why?
00:02:56.062 --> 00:03:00.182
Because Delphina operated as a lookout during prohibition.
00:03:00.722 --> 00:03:06.462
She never revealed her role to anyone who didn't need to know, fearing for the safety of her family.
00:03:07.302 --> 00:03:10.122
After all, loose lips sink ships.
00:03:10.722 --> 00:03:18.242
It's not a stretch to say that Delphina's ability to keep a tight lid on sensitive information spared Boyd's life.
00:03:18.842 --> 00:03:27.622
Taj Wakefield, one of the teenagers living at Legacy Grove this summer, kept pertinent information from his family as well.
00:03:28.022 --> 00:03:31.142
Perhaps Taj was even hiding things from himself.
00:03:31.642 --> 00:03:33.762
But the truth will set you free.
00:03:34.302 --> 00:03:40.022
One simply can't live an authentic life or afterlife if they are steeped in secrets.
00:03:40.802 --> 00:03:41.422
I should know.
00:03:41.962 --> 00:03:43.962
I'm keeping plenty of them myself.
00:03:44.502 --> 00:03:45.002
Next!
00:03:49.862 --> 00:03:53.702
In case you haven't noticed, you've been ghosted.
00:03:57.522 --> 00:04:04.562
Chapter 15, Taj Wakefield When life hands you lemons, you're supposed to make lemonade.
00:04:05.282 --> 00:04:10.582
Fine, but what do you do when you're served a fuckaroni and screw you salad?
00:04:10.982 --> 00:04:14.582
This has been a suckwad summer, if there ever was one.
00:04:15.142 --> 00:04:16.742
Then it got worse.
00:04:17.302 --> 00:04:20.602
Danica hasn't said more than two words to me since we broke up.
00:04:20.982 --> 00:04:23.062
Work is just that, work.
00:04:23.702 --> 00:04:25.322
Every day it's the same thing.
00:04:25.902 --> 00:04:30.362
Danica walks right past me, like I'm some kind of scuzzy goomba or something.
00:04:31.062 --> 00:04:36.982
The only time she gives any sign she even knows I'm alive is when she's texting or calling Brandon.
00:04:37.562 --> 00:04:42.382
Then she goes all gaga, giggling like Brandon's just said something really clever.
00:04:42.922 --> 00:04:43.802
Yeah, right.
00:04:44.422 --> 00:04:48.042
I live with this guy, and I can tell you he isn't that clever.
00:04:48.562 --> 00:04:53.722
As predicted, Brandon is already sleezing around with another girl behind Danica's back.
00:04:54.342 --> 00:04:55.682
I knew he'd do that.
00:04:56.182 --> 00:04:57.382
Danica should have known too.
00:04:57.722 --> 00:05:01.002
It's not like she hasn't seen Brandon's slutty sideshow before.
00:05:01.362 --> 00:05:07.802
Getting the proverbial finger from Danica blows, but it's a minor annoyance compared to everything else.
00:05:08.382 --> 00:05:16.322
Coming in at number three in the Hot 100 countdown to the Armageddon of my life is the incineration of our ganja garden.
00:05:16.662 --> 00:05:19.242
What kind of heartless hellhound would do that?
00:05:19.562 --> 00:05:21.842
Brandon's pretty sure it was Moon and his dad.
00:05:22.522 --> 00:05:29.422
My own dad waking me up bright and early the morning after that horrendous scene in the Oasis seemed to confirm this.
00:05:29.962 --> 00:05:33.822
Dad started off with a few super lame how you doing questions.
00:05:34.722 --> 00:05:36.922
We both knew this wasn't a casual call.
00:05:37.782 --> 00:05:38.982
What's going on dad?
00:05:39.422 --> 00:05:39.922
I asked.
00:05:40.482 --> 00:05:42.122
No use in beating around the bush.
00:05:42.922 --> 00:05:48.902
If my ass was going to get fried right along with the weed in the Oasis, we might as well get on with it.
00:05:49.382 --> 00:05:51.762
Dad didn't say anything about marijuana.
00:05:52.382 --> 00:05:53.982
He called to talk about mom.
00:05:54.562 --> 00:05:58.342
She was back in rehab, trying to get herself to hold down a salad.
00:05:58.642 --> 00:06:03.122
Dad said mom was so dehydrated, her organs were starting to shut down.
00:06:03.602 --> 00:06:06.022
She weighed in at just over 100 pounds.
00:06:06.582 --> 00:06:09.782
And where is the boyfriend who broke up our family, you might ask?
00:06:10.382 --> 00:06:12.842
Not helping mom, that's for goddamn sure.
00:06:13.382 --> 00:06:17.022
This was a couple of days ago, but I'm just now finding out about it.
00:06:17.442 --> 00:06:18.082
Typical.
00:06:18.682 --> 00:06:23.562
Once they got mom stabilized, they moved her to the opposite of a fat farm in Florida.
00:06:24.242 --> 00:06:27.442
That's where my grandparents live, so I guess it makes sense.
00:06:28.022 --> 00:06:32.362
Just like the last time mom landed in rehab, they won't let me see her for a few weeks.
00:06:32.842 --> 00:06:35.982
Maybe they don't want to freak me out by how skinny she's gotten.
00:06:36.502 --> 00:06:45.902
On the bright side, if Moon or Brandon's dad were the ones who sent our weed up in smoke, at least they didn't narc me off to my dad, or worse, my mom.
00:06:46.382 --> 00:06:49.182
This made me suspect Brucefer, my ex.
00:06:49.722 --> 00:06:54.582
Finding out he wasn't the one who torched our weed was a dong downer for sure.
00:06:55.042 --> 00:06:59.982
But in true Brucefer style, he made my life a living hell anyway.
00:07:00.602 --> 00:07:03.582
I knew we shouldn't have tried to sell weed to that man whore.
00:07:04.182 --> 00:07:10.482
Two days after Brandon basically gave away our last pound of kush, Brucefer showed up at the pool in Naval.
00:07:11.022 --> 00:07:12.322
With his boyfriend.
00:07:13.062 --> 00:07:15.542
How could he be such a cold-blooded troll?
00:07:16.482 --> 00:07:19.382
It was a Sunday, free day at the Naval City Pool.
00:07:20.022 --> 00:07:22.702
The place was overloaded with screaming kids.
00:07:23.122 --> 00:07:24.922
Brucefer didn't wait until I was on break.
00:07:25.802 --> 00:07:26.082
No.
00:07:26.562 --> 00:07:33.402
This sausage jockey marched right up to the base of my guard chair, demanding to know where the field of magical marijuana was.
00:07:34.162 --> 00:07:39.362
In that moment, it became obvious Brucefer wasn't the one who incinerated our crop.
00:07:39.862 --> 00:07:43.422
Otherwise, why would he be in Naval with his douchey boyfriend?
00:07:43.842 --> 00:07:46.522
Panicked, I texted my safe word to Brandon.
00:07:47.022 --> 00:07:48.142
Gadzooks!
00:07:48.942 --> 00:07:51.622
It took almost an hour for Brandon to get to the pool.
00:07:52.142 --> 00:07:54.702
He'd been at Boyd Fletcher's place on Granite Ridge.
00:07:55.122 --> 00:07:58.942
Thanks to Boyd, Brandon's gone all Scooby Doo, where are you?
00:07:59.742 --> 00:08:00.282
I get it.
00:08:00.562 --> 00:08:01.882
The Oasis is haunted.
00:08:02.442 --> 00:08:07.422
Since we don't have any more weed growing there, the simple solution is to just stay away.
00:08:07.902 --> 00:08:08.622
But no.
00:08:09.182 --> 00:08:13.642
Brandon and the old crypt kicker on Granite Ridge can't leave anything alone.
00:08:14.162 --> 00:08:21.682
I'm just waiting for the part where Brandon rips the mask off whoever is ghosting the place, only to discover it was buoyed all along.
00:08:22.262 --> 00:08:31.062
Brucifer and his blond-headed pattywhacker were in the park eating Navajo tacos and watching the Battle of the Bands when Brandon finally got to town.
00:08:31.702 --> 00:08:34.582
I used my break at the pool to form a quick game plan.
00:08:35.102 --> 00:08:39.742
Brandon would take these numbnuts out to the Oasis and give them what they came for.
00:08:40.242 --> 00:08:42.982
A good old-fashioned shit-your-pants-arama.
00:08:43.582 --> 00:08:45.302
Not that we could control what happens.
00:08:45.742 --> 00:08:46.982
We were just counting on it.
00:08:47.542 --> 00:08:52.062
If all Brucifer sees is scorched earth, at least he'll know we're out of business.
00:08:52.862 --> 00:08:55.842
Maybe then he'll go and stomp on some other drug dealer's heart.
00:08:56.262 --> 00:09:00.382
Course, Brucifer doesn't know what a heart is, since he doesn't have one.
00:09:01.062 --> 00:09:04.082
The afternoon dragged on like the last day of school.
00:09:04.762 --> 00:09:10.802
I had a hard time concentrating on what I was doing, which was scary, since there were a million people in the pool.
00:09:11.362 --> 00:09:19.902
Brandon didn't have the decency to come back to Naval, so I had to wait until almost 7 o'clock to find out what happened to these scrotum scrunchers.
00:09:20.562 --> 00:09:22.502
According to Brandon, nothing.
00:09:22.982 --> 00:09:26.242
They followed Brandon out to the Oasis, and he left them there.
00:09:26.842 --> 00:09:35.102
Brandon couldn't be bothered to find out if some boogeyman or woman sprayed ectoplasm all over them, or whatever it is that ghosts do.
00:09:35.782 --> 00:09:38.442
I had no interest in watching a movie with Brandon.
00:09:39.142 --> 00:09:41.782
I was still ticked at him for stepping out on Danica.
00:09:42.502 --> 00:09:45.742
Scotty had some stupid educational thing on in the living room.
00:09:46.462 --> 00:09:51.202
All my weed was gone, leaving me with nothing to do except surf the net.
00:09:51.562 --> 00:09:54.722
God damn Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook.
00:09:55.162 --> 00:09:59.262
I don't know how many lives have been dumped in the crapper because of this platform.
00:09:59.722 --> 00:10:03.762
If there ever was a weapon of mass destruction, it would be Facebook.
00:10:04.322 --> 00:10:05.062
Evidence A.
00:10:05.502 --> 00:10:10.422
The photo Brucifer posted of the two of us looking a little more cozy than two guys should look.
00:10:11.082 --> 00:10:13.662
The caption said, he used to be mine.
00:10:14.442 --> 00:10:15.682
I was floored.
00:10:16.282 --> 00:10:21.482
Brucifer is a prick of the highest order, but I never thought he'd actually out me.
00:10:22.102 --> 00:10:25.882
My hands were shaking as I deleted the pic of me and Brucifer.
00:10:26.442 --> 00:10:28.002
It was taken after a swim meet.
00:10:28.442 --> 00:10:32.462
We had our arms around each other and looked like we'd just finished snogging.
00:10:33.322 --> 00:10:34.022
Shit tarts!
00:10:34.682 --> 00:10:39.322
After I got rid of the offending picture, I deleted my Facebook account altogether.
00:10:40.042 --> 00:10:41.122
Maybe no one saw it.
00:10:41.602 --> 00:10:47.782
It was a Sunday night and half the kids in Naval weren't even supposed to be on Facebook, although they all were.
00:10:48.182 --> 00:10:53.462
Maybe everyone was too busy praying for the end days, or whatever it is they teach in the Mormon Church.
00:10:54.202 --> 00:10:56.302
Say a little prayer for me then while you're at it.
00:10:57.022 --> 00:11:01.822
If there was ever a crucifixion, it was the one Brucifer was performing on me.
00:11:02.502 --> 00:11:03.902
Why was he doing this?
00:11:04.482 --> 00:11:05.942
Brandon must have said something.
00:11:06.522 --> 00:11:12.882
More likely though, that thing in the Oasis made Brucifer piss his pants in front of his new fudge packer.
00:11:13.722 --> 00:11:15.582
I'm gay, I can say stuff like that.
00:11:16.182 --> 00:11:18.342
Brandon hadn't seen the Facebook post yet.
00:11:18.982 --> 00:11:23.682
Otherwise, he'd be in here making plans to string Brucifer up by his balls.
00:11:24.382 --> 00:11:26.782
That's one of the things I like about Brandon.
00:11:27.522 --> 00:11:33.202
No matter how much I want to punch him in the face for what he's doing to Danica, he's still a solid friend.
00:11:34.042 --> 00:11:37.002
And yet, I couldn't bring myself to say anything.
00:11:37.742 --> 00:11:42.682
I had this skeevy idea that if I just ignored the situation, it would go away.
00:11:43.502 --> 00:11:43.982
It didn't.
00:11:44.502 --> 00:11:46.762
My phone pinged at 2.30 in the morning.
00:11:47.482 --> 00:11:50.982
The message said, Gadzooks, in capital letters.
00:11:51.802 --> 00:11:55.522
I wasn't sleeping, of course, but I was surprised Brandon was still up.
00:11:56.122 --> 00:11:57.342
He had work in the morning.
00:11:57.722 --> 00:12:00.122
There was a stack of frozen waffles in the shed.
00:12:00.882 --> 00:12:04.722
Brandon kept them in ziplock bags so we could use the boxes for dope.
00:12:05.082 --> 00:12:07.262
Guess we won't have to worry about that anymore.
00:12:07.782 --> 00:12:09.522
In a way, I was relieved.
00:12:10.102 --> 00:12:15.482
I don't get paranoid like Brandon does when I'm high, but lately, Pot just fills me with dread.
00:12:16.042 --> 00:12:17.462
I can't put my finger on it.
00:12:18.122 --> 00:12:22.162
I get this feeling like something truly apocalyptic is about to happen.
00:12:22.542 --> 00:12:24.162
And now, it has.
00:12:25.902 --> 00:12:27.062
Announcer: Hang tight, kitties.
00:12:27.442 --> 00:12:28.902
Announcer: We'll be back in a scratch.
00:12:32.962 --> 00:12:41.502
Announcer: Whether you're going on a trip or just tripping, Quirky Cannabis Country is the perfect audiobook to take on your next adventure.
00:12:42.222 --> 00:12:51.422
Announcer: Find out what happens when a group of extreme kooks gathers to participate in a reality TV show near an oasis of kick-ass cannabis.
00:12:52.322 --> 00:12:54.682
Announcer: Quirky Cannabis Country by Adele Park.
00:12:55.042 --> 00:12:57.442
Announcer: Get it today on audible.com.
00:12:59.702 --> 00:13:01.462
Molly, here's your dinner.
00:13:05.942 --> 00:13:08.022
Announcer: Don't let that happen to your precious cat.
00:13:08.222 --> 00:13:11.462
Announcer: Elevate your cat's eating experience with the Cat Tree Tray.
00:13:11.722 --> 00:13:17.102
Announcer: The Cat Tree Tray keeps your cat's food off the floor and conveniently located on the cat tree.
00:13:17.522 --> 00:13:19.482
Announcer: It's the perfect way to eat.
00:13:20.042 --> 00:13:27.482
Announcer: It's a beautiful wrought iron tray that easily attaches to your cat tree and keeps dogs and other critters out of your cat's dish.
00:13:27.822 --> 00:13:29.462
Announcer: A must for multi-pet households.
00:13:29.962 --> 00:13:33.962
Announcer: There's a 6-inch tray for large bowls and a 4-inch tray for smaller bowls.
00:13:34.382 --> 00:13:37.082
Announcer: Purchase your Cat Tree Tray today.
00:13:37.402 --> 00:13:39.842
Announcer: Go right now to www.cattreetray.com.
00:13:40.142 --> 00:13:41.982
Announcer: That's www.cattreetray.com.
00:13:52.282 --> 00:14:03.202
PetLifeRadio.com Subscribe to PetLifeRadio.com Brandon didn't think anyone from Naval had seen the pic yet.
00:14:03.562 --> 00:14:05.682
A bunch of our friends from Las Vegas had.
00:14:06.062 --> 00:14:08.042
Brandon's phone was blowing up.
00:14:08.582 --> 00:14:09.482
I had mine off.
00:14:09.822 --> 00:14:11.242
I just couldn't bear to look.
00:14:12.142 --> 00:14:19.202
In an act of solidarity, and to boost our chances of getting rid of that fucking photo, Brandon deleted his Facebook account.
00:14:19.742 --> 00:14:21.682
We were both getting sick of it anyway.
00:14:22.482 --> 00:14:30.262
It's just a bunch of posers trying to act like their life is fabulous, when in reality all they do is hang out in the basement beating their meat.
00:14:30.862 --> 00:14:32.482
I've got Mondays off from the pool.
00:14:32.942 --> 00:14:33.862
Thank God!
00:14:34.262 --> 00:14:36.382
What if Danica saw that Facebook post?
00:14:36.942 --> 00:14:38.802
Now I know how Brandon feels.
00:14:39.342 --> 00:14:46.582
His life got thrown in the outhouse a couple years ago, when this dweeb from his school posted some nude photos of his mom.
00:14:47.142 --> 00:14:49.342
Brandon has never forgiven Mrs.
00:14:49.362 --> 00:14:50.102
Spinkle for that.
00:14:50.662 --> 00:14:56.402
Just like I will never forgive Brucefer for all the sins he's committed against me.
00:14:56.762 --> 00:15:02.502
I spent a few enjoyable moments fantasizing about roasting Brucefer's cock over an open fire.
00:15:02.922 --> 00:15:05.162
Then I went back to wigging out about the photo.
00:15:05.522 --> 00:15:10.922
To distract myself, I made turtle brownies, smothering them in a can of chocolate frosting.
00:15:11.262 --> 00:15:19.842
I don't usually cut corners like that, but somehow, eating the entire pan in as short amount of time as possible seemed like my life quest.
00:15:21.002 --> 00:15:22.322
Sorry, my bad.
00:15:22.762 --> 00:15:24.842
Mainlining sugar makes me a little gassy.
00:15:25.462 --> 00:15:26.282
And tired.
00:15:26.742 --> 00:15:31.722
I set the empty brownie pan on the coffee table and stretched out on the couch in the living room.
00:15:32.222 --> 00:15:34.242
I was watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
00:15:34.762 --> 00:15:35.982
Usually it makes me laugh.
00:15:36.482 --> 00:15:38.342
Today I just wanted to burp.
00:15:38.902 --> 00:15:39.762
And fart.
00:15:40.262 --> 00:15:41.142
And cry.
00:15:41.682 --> 00:15:42.082
Sheesh.
00:15:42.762 --> 00:15:46.002
I just can't believe what a dickwad Brucifer turned out to be.
00:15:46.502 --> 00:15:49.722
The brownies shot my sugar levels through the ceiling.
00:15:50.102 --> 00:15:52.782
Then brought me down, crashing with a thud.
00:15:53.322 --> 00:15:57.162
I felt like a lead volleyball being spiked on a floor of nails.
00:15:57.682 --> 00:16:07.262
Unable to keep my eyes open any longer, I drifted off into a sugar glucose sleep, wondering if volleyball players ever got sand up their cracks.
00:16:07.842 --> 00:16:09.582
If so, how do they get it out?
00:16:10.082 --> 00:16:15.722
I've had a few unpleasant sand in my shorts experiences, so this would be a useful thing to know.
00:16:16.042 --> 00:16:18.782
Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer.
00:16:19.262 --> 00:16:26.022
Scared of what I might find on my cell phone, I texted a question mark to Brandon from the burner phone I used for selling pot.
00:16:26.462 --> 00:16:29.282
Question marks are code for, What's going on?
00:16:29.782 --> 00:16:31.082
I waited for a response.
00:16:31.722 --> 00:16:33.362
Twenty minutes ticked by.
00:16:33.822 --> 00:16:34.442
Then thirty.
00:16:34.842 --> 00:16:35.602
Was this good?
00:16:35.962 --> 00:16:39.362
Or was this so odious it couldn't be put into a text?
00:16:39.782 --> 00:16:44.942
I wanted to turn on my regular phone, but was terrified at what kind of messages would be there.
00:16:45.462 --> 00:16:47.762
I decided to take just a quick peek.
00:16:48.262 --> 00:16:50.982
I'd let the battery die, so I had to plug my phone in.
00:16:51.542 --> 00:16:58.802
Standing at the kitchen counter, attached to the outlet through my charging cord, I saw fifty-seven texts waiting to be read.
00:16:59.642 --> 00:17:01.422
No, make that fifty-eight.
00:17:01.862 --> 00:17:06.022
The latest being from Keifer Nichols, inviting me over for a weenie roast.
00:17:06.442 --> 00:17:07.182
<Ha ha.
00:17:07.722 --> 00:17:11.622
Keifer's dad is this slimy cop with the Pitt County Sheriff's Department.
00:17:12.182 --> 00:17:16.942
His dad cheated on his mom with Blue McKenna, which totally grosses Brandon out.
00:17:17.702 --> 00:17:23.782
The ugly truth now was, if Keifer saw that photo, so did everyone else in Naval.
00:17:24.402 --> 00:17:26.582
Holy Christ on a cracker.
00:17:27.322 --> 00:17:33.042
I really didn't care what most of these homophobes think, but I fucking hate that Danica nose.
00:17:33.762 --> 00:17:36.442
At first, I was too stunned to cry.
00:17:36.942 --> 00:17:42.402
I just stood there like a Nimrod, scrolling through one shitty message after another.
00:17:43.002 --> 00:17:44.702
Then I got pissed.
00:17:45.302 --> 00:17:49.002
I waited until I got outside to the orchard to blow my cork.
00:17:49.642 --> 00:17:58.002
When it comes to emotional meltdowns, road rage, or even loud laughter, we're trained here at Legacy Grove to take it outside.
00:17:58.482 --> 00:18:00.142
Otherwise, we might wake up Rudy.
00:18:00.662 --> 00:18:08.082
Whoever does that gets to deal with him, which usually involves a smelly, gushy diaper and lots of crying.
00:18:08.622 --> 00:18:09.702
So we go outside.
00:18:10.162 --> 00:18:13.722
I hadn't even made it to the orchard before I chucked my cell phone.
00:18:14.142 --> 00:18:19.562
Without even aiming, I hit a tree, causing one of the oranges to drop to the ground.
00:18:20.022 --> 00:18:25.022
For some reason, that made me even madder, like that stupid orange was mocking me.
00:18:25.942 --> 00:18:26.482
Oh yeah?
00:18:26.862 --> 00:18:34.902
I screamed, charging at the tree, grabbing it around its pathetic neck and shaking the damn thing until most of the oranges dropped off.
00:18:35.442 --> 00:18:40.062
Harvest season was still a couple of weeks away, but these buggers aren't natural.
00:18:40.722 --> 00:18:42.722
Nothing that grows at Legacy Grove is.
00:18:43.402 --> 00:18:44.842
And I know why.
00:18:45.462 --> 00:18:50.562
It's because Blue McKenna used to haul in dirt from the oasis for her indoor pot plants.
00:18:51.122 --> 00:18:52.902
She'd throw the rest out in the orchard.
00:18:53.462 --> 00:18:59.642
Everyone knows a bunch of polygamists were buried in the oasis, which Blue says makes awesome mulch.
00:19:00.302 --> 00:19:03.322
It's the reason oasis weed is so legendary.
00:19:03.782 --> 00:19:07.382
But here's a stone cold fact about what it does to navels.
00:19:07.862 --> 00:19:09.902
It turns them into blood oranges.
00:19:10.782 --> 00:19:14.302
Not the fancy schmancy kind you find at upscale produce stores.
00:19:14.942 --> 00:19:21.282
These bad boys are red on the inside with a thick juice that looks and smells like actual blood.
00:19:22.362 --> 00:19:23.422
Don't try eating one.
00:19:24.042 --> 00:19:25.762
I did that once as part of a mission.
00:19:26.282 --> 00:19:27.582
Big mistake.
00:19:28.082 --> 00:19:32.502
I kept choking that poor tree until even a bunch of its leaves dropped to the ground.
00:19:33.002 --> 00:19:35.182
I couldn't see where my cell phone was anymore.
00:19:35.702 --> 00:19:36.102
Good.
00:19:36.642 --> 00:19:39.122
I never wanted to look at that freaking thing again.
00:19:39.402 --> 00:19:40.682
Then the tears came.
00:19:41.122 --> 00:19:42.582
Hot and salty.
00:19:42.982 --> 00:19:45.902
Kind of like the goobering Brandon does when he's upset.
00:19:46.262 --> 00:19:47.382
That's how he found me.
00:19:47.682 --> 00:19:52.362
My hands covered in red from breaking open some of the oranges I'd been throwing everywhere.
00:19:52.862 --> 00:19:55.762
Brandon had Italian subs from Celestial Sandwiches.
00:19:56.442 --> 00:20:00.122
It must have killed him to fork over five bucks to buy dinner for me.
00:20:00.922 --> 00:20:04.162
That's how I know Brandon is my one and only true friend.
00:20:04.742 --> 00:20:09.342
We ate in the packing shed, washing down our sandwiches with Rowdy's Righteous Root Beer.
00:20:09.682 --> 00:20:13.442
Brandon's dad knocked on the door a couple times, but didn't come in.
00:20:13.982 --> 00:20:17.022
Brandon's pretty rude in the way he deals with his dad these days.
00:20:17.602 --> 00:20:28.802
Yeah, it's kinda gross to think about Brandon's dad slipping the old banana to his sister-in-law, but Brandon would sidle up to damn near anyone, so I'm not sure why he's being so judgy.
00:20:29.262 --> 00:20:31.102
Scotty must have phoned my dad.
00:20:31.562 --> 00:20:37.002
He tried to get me to take his calls a couple times, but Brandon kept telling Scotty to go away.
00:20:37.502 --> 00:20:42.922
Scotty is being real careful around Brandon these days and didn't yell back like he normally would.
00:20:43.402 --> 00:20:49.222
I wasn't in the mood to deal with my dad either, sure that he was regretting the day he ever adopted me.
00:20:49.842 --> 00:20:50.842
And what about mom?
00:20:51.402 --> 00:20:56.342
Thinking about how sad this was going to make her started a whole new round of tears.
00:20:57.082 --> 00:21:01.622
Just for the record, I've seen Brandon cry way more than he's seen me cry.
00:21:02.102 --> 00:21:10.482
To make me feel better, Brandon took out his notebook and started writing down ideas to make it our holy mission to ram it up Brucifer's ass.
00:21:11.302 --> 00:21:16.162
Some of the stuff got pretty graphic and could have been considered a threat if anyone read it.
00:21:16.402 --> 00:21:25.302
I'm not sure what prompted this, but at some point, Brandon got tired of thinking of innovative ways to castrate Brucifer and came up with a helpful idea.
00:21:25.722 --> 00:21:26.762
I could call Randall.
00:21:27.302 --> 00:21:29.182
He used to be in the gay mafia.
00:21:29.582 --> 00:21:32.402
Maybe we could sick them on the homo haters in Navel.
00:21:32.542 --> 00:21:37.862
Brandon says Randall and Moon's kids got hassled by some pious pricks they met on the playground at school.
00:21:38.462 --> 00:21:42.522
Maybe Randall would be itching for revenge against these bigoted bastards.
00:21:43.122 --> 00:21:45.362
I wondered if Randall would actually answer.
00:21:45.902 --> 00:21:48.242
I'm sure he didn't recognize my burner number.
00:21:48.782 --> 00:21:52.842
I downshifted out of despair and into unleaded fear.
00:21:53.382 --> 00:21:59.742
Was I really calling an adult I barely knew to ask what I should do about a twitchy photo on Facebook?
00:22:00.082 --> 00:22:02.182
Yep, apparently I was.
00:22:03.082 --> 00:22:04.862
Randall picked up on the fourth ring.
00:22:05.622 --> 00:22:06.902
He was all ears.
00:22:07.562 --> 00:22:12.482
And by that, I mean he wanted to hear the entire story, from the beginning.
00:22:13.042 --> 00:22:17.242
It was hard because I had to talk around the parts that involved the Oasis.
00:22:17.842 --> 00:22:25.962
I didn't mention that Brucefer was in Navel, only that he got revenge by posting a pic that showed the two of us looking way too chummy.
00:22:26.542 --> 00:22:30.102
It was a relief to talk about this with someone other than Brandon.
00:22:30.742 --> 00:22:37.402
I know Brandon has my back more than any human, including my parents, but I get sick of the constant teasing.
00:22:38.202 --> 00:22:40.842
Yes, I want to beat that monkey off my back.
00:22:41.602 --> 00:22:45.142
No, my butthole hasn't been turned into the Mudville Nine.
00:22:46.302 --> 00:22:51.182
Randall is famous for catty zingers as well, but he never directs any of them at me.
00:22:53.002 --> 00:22:55.082
We talked for more than an hour.
00:22:55.862 --> 00:23:04.722
At first, Randall tried to get me to laugh the whole thing off, pointing out I no longer had to spend the rest of my life dodging women's wookies.
00:23:05.482 --> 00:23:09.142
Who knew these dainty dames had so much hair down there?
00:23:10.082 --> 00:23:13.842
In the end, Randall's best advice was to just own it.
00:23:14.602 --> 00:23:19.522
Otherwise, I'd be running away from my own gayness for the rest of my friggin life.
00:23:20.062 --> 00:23:21.122
Kinda like you, Randall?
00:23:21.502 --> 00:23:21.982
I asked.
00:23:22.882 --> 00:23:23.462
Silence.
00:23:24.042 --> 00:23:25.222
A rarity with Randall.
00:23:25.742 --> 00:23:36.002
The next morning, instead of packing my stuff and trying to find a ride out of this nightmare, I got in the SUV with Scotty and Rudy and headed to the Naval City Pool.
00:23:36.582 --> 00:23:38.522
It was the last day of swim lessons.
00:23:39.242 --> 00:23:47.182
Originally, I had planned to bring treats to my students, but ran out of time due to all the crying and whatnot the night before.
00:23:47.842 --> 00:23:49.062
Good thing I didn't bother.
00:23:49.682 --> 00:23:53.442
Scotty and Rudy were the only ones who showed up for class.
00:23:54.282 --> 00:23:59.822
Walking into the pool complex, I could almost hear everyone sucking in their breath.
00:24:00.742 --> 00:24:02.542
No one said a word.
00:24:03.162 --> 00:24:03.762
They couldn't.
00:24:04.162 --> 00:24:07.782
I was with Scotty and Rudy, local celebrities because of blue.
00:24:08.662 --> 00:24:12.602
I could feel their beady little eyes burning holes in my skin.
00:24:13.622 --> 00:24:17.682
Awkward doesn't even begin to cover what swimming lessons were like that day.
00:24:18.462 --> 00:24:23.202
All the other teachers and a lot of the kids were giving us some serious side eye.
00:24:23.982 --> 00:24:27.222
It was a long goddamn 90 minutes.
00:24:28.022 --> 00:24:32.542
When it was over, Scotty left to take Rudy to the sitters before he went into work.
00:24:33.322 --> 00:24:35.682
My lifeguarding shift didn't start until 1.
00:24:36.602 --> 00:24:42.642
Normally, I'd swim some laps, practice some dives, and take a quick shower before open swim.
00:24:43.482 --> 00:24:46.202
Scratch all that, especially the shower.
00:24:46.762 --> 00:24:50.002
I can't imagine what people would do if I took off my clothes.
00:24:50.902 --> 00:24:58.542
Sure, I shower in a private stall, but I'm pretty sure my naked bum is the last thing I should be toweling off around here.
00:24:59.162 --> 00:25:07.442
Looking in the fridge in the guard shack, I noticed someone had taken my peanut butter and jelly sandwich and twisted it into a tight knot.
00:25:08.002 --> 00:25:13.082
The bread couldn't handle all that abuse and was seeping gelatinous globs of jelly.
00:25:13.782 --> 00:25:16.202
So, it's come to this.
00:25:17.302 --> 00:25:20.862
I wasn't going to let these Jesus freaks get the best of me.
00:25:21.542 --> 00:25:31.462
I left the messy remains of my sandwich where it was, unwilling to give whoever did this the satisfaction of knowing I'd seen how they murdered an innocent sandwich.
00:25:32.462 --> 00:25:33.202
That's okay.
00:25:33.622 --> 00:25:36.042
I'm not too crazy about peanut butter to begin with.
00:25:36.462 --> 00:25:38.902
It was just something I threw together at the last minute.
00:25:39.562 --> 00:25:45.322
As I was heading out to grab some food before Open Swim started, I got called into the manager's office.
00:25:46.222 --> 00:25:46.702
Uh-oh.
00:25:47.382 --> 00:25:51.622
Am I getting in trouble for talking to Brucefer during my shift on Sunday?
00:25:52.522 --> 00:25:52.822
No.
00:25:53.522 --> 00:25:55.702
Apparently I was getting fired.
00:25:55.982 --> 00:25:59.582
That wasn't the word they used, but it boiled down to the same thing.
00:26:00.082 --> 00:26:08.782
Something about how I got extra hours teaching swimming lessons beyond what is allowed, which meant some of the first-year lifeguards couldn't work their quota for the summer?
00:26:09.222 --> 00:26:18.302
There was a formal calculation all written up, showing how the hours I spent teaching weren't counted against the 20-hour-a-week limit for the first-year employees.
00:26:18.822 --> 00:26:26.402
Those three extra hours a week that added up over the summer gave them the perfect excuse to tell me to take a hike.
00:26:26.802 --> 00:26:28.462
So that's exactly what I did.
00:26:28.962 --> 00:26:30.942
Hiked back to Legacy Grove.
00:26:31.622 --> 00:26:32.842
Not that I wanted to.
00:26:33.422 --> 00:26:38.522
I had gotten a ride into town with Scotty, not knowing they were going to sack me at the pool.
00:26:38.942 --> 00:26:44.002
Dingle dong that I am, I actually thought I'd make it through a whole day in Naval.
00:26:44.562 --> 00:26:46.922
It took me most of the afternoon to get home.
00:26:47.482 --> 00:26:56.942
It's only a couple of miles, but once I got outside of town, I took my time, breaking down a little more with each miserable step.
00:26:57.702 --> 00:27:05.462
I was sobbing by the time I reached my split sofa, the place just down the lane from Gecko's Gulch, where I used to enjoy a nice fatty.
00:27:06.122 --> 00:27:09.662
I can't imagine ever smoking pot again.
00:27:10.522 --> 00:27:12.262
It totally screwed up my life.
00:27:12.922 --> 00:27:21.902
If I had just acted like a normal kid, instead of one of the drug dealers from that show, Weeds, this whole thing with Brucefer would have never happened.
00:27:22.682 --> 00:27:24.982
I'm lucky I didn't get arrested.
00:27:25.382 --> 00:27:30.562
Brandon doesn't know this, but his dad has been talking to me about trying to get into medical school.
00:27:31.262 --> 00:27:36.782
Math and science are easy for me, which Scotty says helps a lot when it comes to applying for college.
00:27:37.482 --> 00:27:43.522
Brandon's going to be mad when he finds out I want to be a doctor instead of opening a marketing company with him.
00:27:44.122 --> 00:27:44.522
Good.
00:27:45.082 --> 00:27:48.982
I'm glad I can do something to get him back for what he's done to Danica.
00:27:49.762 --> 00:27:50.962
Oh my god.
00:27:51.902 --> 00:27:52.502
Danica.
00:27:53.322 --> 00:27:54.682
She wasn't at the pool today.
00:27:55.522 --> 00:27:59.102
I don't know if this was by design or just a lucky break on my part.
00:27:59.762 --> 00:28:03.802
Either way, she knows for sure I'm a backdoor butler.
00:28:04.742 --> 00:28:05.122
Fuck.
00:28:05.862 --> 00:28:06.242
Fuck.
00:28:06.842 --> 00:28:07.302
Fuck.
00:28:07.922 --> 00:28:09.682
I screamed the word over and over.
00:28:10.442 --> 00:28:13.382
I'd never let myself get this hysterical before.
00:28:14.022 --> 00:28:15.042
It kind of scared me.
00:28:15.722 --> 00:28:21.462
I was thrashing around, pounding my hands on the spliff sofa, which is really just a long flat rock.
00:28:22.082 --> 00:28:24.762
My hands were bleeding, but I didn't care.
00:28:25.562 --> 00:28:26.862
I just kept screaming.
00:28:27.682 --> 00:28:29.742
Then, something weird happened.
00:28:30.642 --> 00:28:34.282
Suddenly, the air around me got super cold.
00:28:35.042 --> 00:28:36.582
Holy cannoli!
00:28:36.982 --> 00:28:39.682
That thing from the oasis was back!
00:28:40.382 --> 00:28:41.042
Announcer: Help me!
00:28:42.682 --> 00:28:44.482
Announcer: Holy hairballs, kitties!
00:28:44.882 --> 00:28:48.222
Announcer: This isn't the only quirky thing prancing around the planet.
00:28:48.602 --> 00:28:55.762
Announcer: Quirky Cat Goes Splat by Adele Park is an entire audiobook dedicated to quirky cat stuff.
00:28:56.802 --> 00:29:01.202
Announcer: This is a story for people who appreciate a good cat tale.
00:29:02.022 --> 00:29:05.742
Announcer: The rest of you can go stab yourselves with your stupid allergy pins.
00:29:06.722 --> 00:29:08.382
Announcer: Quirky Cat Goes Splat.
00:29:08.762 --> 00:29:11.182
Announcer: Get it today on audible.com.
00:29:11.722 --> 00:29:17.762
Announcer: Let's talk pets, every week on demand, only on petliferadio.com.