Chapter 11 Ghosted
For Skitters the Cat, life is becoming like a giant hairball that no feline could ever cough up. First his girlfriend, Miss Kitty, takes up with a dog. Now his owner is pimping him out on news stories. Today on Quirky Cat Nips, we're airing Chapter 11 of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted in our ongoing presentation of this hilarious audiobook. Meow Kitties!
Listen to Episode #19 Now:
Transcript:
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Announcer: This is Pet Life Radio.
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Announcer: Let's talk pets.
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Announcer: Cat lovers and feline friends, it's time for Adele Park's Quirky Cat Nips.
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Announcer: Today on the Quirky Cat Nips Podcast, we're airing a chapter of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted, which we will do until the entire audio book has been broadcasted.
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Announcer: We invite all you kitties to kick back now, relax and enjoy Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted by Adele Park.
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Announcer: Audio Recording St.
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Announcer: George Presents Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted Written, produced and edited by Adele Park Narrated by a full cast.
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Announcer: A cast.
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A Directive from Gertrude Fletcher, Head of the Naval Utah Department of Motor Vehicles, Part 11.
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I never believed in the supernatural until I became a part of that realm myself.
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I wasn't fully convinced, even when I saw the apparition on the bridge in front of Juniper Hollow.
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I wondered if the early morning light had been playing a trick on my eyes.
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Why had I been on the bridge the morning I died?
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It was for the same reason that had drawn Blue McKenna to this fateful place.
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We both knew something was afoot and that it was related to Juniper Hollow.
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In my case, it was the death of Boyd's grandmother, Delphina, that piqued my interest.
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Now I know why.
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She is the one haunting this ominous passage in the Utah desert.
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Even before Boyd began courting me, I knew all about his family's tussles with the mob.
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After all, I was dealing blackjack at the Double Deuces Casino in Las Vegas.
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It had taken two years of working after school, weekends and holidays for my brothers and I to clear Papa's debt at the racetrack.
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I went off to college on a full scholarship, returning to work at the track during the summers.
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Later, I relocated to Las Vegas.
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By then Papa was gone for good, leaving our family in a financial bind.
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I had a unique understanding of Boyd's dilemmas with the mob.
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It was this connection that drew me to him, although I never discussed my family's problems.
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I understood how dangerous crossing a crime syndicate can be.
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Initially, I just wanted to warn Boyd not to come back to the double deuces.
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But he warmed my heart and told me fascinating stories about life in Navel.
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Eventually, I left double deuces to live out my days with Boyd on Granite Ridge.
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Our marriage was a comfortable, peaceful union, disrupted only by Boyd's obsession with Juniper Hollow.
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In time, I began to wonder about it myself.
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I started quietly poking around, trying to see if there was any truth to the rumors that had surrounded the place for decades.
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Of course, I never let on to Boyd that I was doing this, thinking it was best not to get him any more riled up.
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Now that I'm gone, Boyd has found a willing partner to snoop around Juniper Hollow with him.
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Boyd has always been a sensible man.
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So enlisting 16-year-old Brandon Spinkle as the person to help uncover all the wrongdoings there seemed inadvisable.
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Next.
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In case you haven't noticed, you've been ghosted.
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Chapter 11, Brandon Spinkle.
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Announcer: Taj literally threw the book at me.
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Announcer: It landed with a whomp, knocking over the cell phone propped up against a six-pack of rowdy's righteous root beer.
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Announcer: I was FaceTiming with Danica.
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Announcer: Taj would have hurled that thing even if I had been sitting there knitting him a sweater.
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Announcer: He really should just be grateful I'm saving his ex-girlfriend from a good Mormon-style mamba.
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Announcer: It's either me or some guy named Matthew.
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Announcer: Take your pick, pal.
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Announcer: Taj didn't pick anything, except maybe his nose.
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Announcer: I don't know for sure because he went outside and wandered down the lane to his spliff sofa.
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Announcer: That's what he calls this flat rock hidden behind some bushes near the mailbox.
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Announcer: Dad never gets the mail or walks anywhere for that matter, which means Taj can toke there in private.
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Announcer: Dude, you're a Yankee doodle dandy, I said.
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Announcer: Why do you even care who dates Danica?
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Announcer: Taj wasn't out of the closet.
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Announcer: He was just out of excuses for not letting Danica pet his peepee.
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Announcer: Would you rather have her snogging Matthew What's-his-name?
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Announcer: How do you know Danica won't skinny dip with him?
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Announcer: Oh, that was a sore spot.
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Announcer: Look, man, get over here and start fielding some balls for your own team.
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Announcer: Taj is easier to deal with when he's stoned, which is why I wish he would smoke a little more weed.
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Announcer: He's been stressed all summer and now he's a flat-out bummer to be around.
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Announcer: Listen, we need to unload some dope.
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Announcer: I'm out of cash, so I know you are too.
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Announcer: We spent a few minutes discussing potential customers, then got around to the really important thing, the photos of Juniper Hollow.
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Announcer: The photo album was still on the coffee table where Taj had dropped it.
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Announcer: It was flopped open showing pictures of Juniper Hollow on both sides.
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Announcer: Blue was just as obsessed with that place as Boyd Fletcher.
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Announcer: The current theory is Jasper Stratton is using it as his headquarters for a drug or sex operation.
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Announcer: Everyone else who owned it before did the same thing.
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Announcer: And Jasper is a polygamist.
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Announcer: Or at least he was born as one.
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Announcer: He only brings one wife out in public.
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Announcer: A blondie with enormous knockers.
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Announcer: I've never met Kelly Stratton, but I've watched her smoke him down several times.
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Announcer: Boyd has a pair of high-powered binoculars which are excellent for spying.
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Announcer: There's an overlook on Granite Ridge that gives a pretty good view of Juniper Hollow.
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Announcer: All except the part under the copper dome on the gazebo in the middle of the lake.
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Announcer: Boyd claims the polygamists from Zion Flats use the lake to drown retarded kids, but he could never prove it because that copper dome blocks his view.
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Announcer: You could see a lot of what Jasper calls the residence, though.
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Announcer: Kelly's got a patio decorated in slightly chewed bubblegum pink.
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Announcer: She spends a lot of time there trying to end her life early with cigarettes.
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Announcer: I'll bet her breath smells like a hot, steaming morning dump.
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Announcer: I hate girls who smoke, unless it's weed.
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Announcer: I'm starting to wonder, though, if I should stay away from female potheads.
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Announcer: Our best client in Las Vegas has put out a contract on me.
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Announcer: I'm not kidding.
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Announcer: Kaylee Fitzsimmons tried to do it herself, and all because of a little mattress dance with her roommate.
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Announcer: Kaylee has been polishing my knob since last fall.
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Announcer: She was my first lay actually.
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Announcer: I didn't know Kaylee had dibs on me until I got caught balling her roomie.
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Announcer: For the record, Kaylee's roommate started the whole thing.
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Announcer: She wanted to have sex, and so we did.
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Announcer: If Kaylee had shown up on time like she was supposed to, I would have done her instead.
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Announcer: The distribution business is tough these days.
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Announcer: I'm busy every weekday afternoon working at the Naval Weekly Banner, and I signed up to review the bands who perform at the Sunday's Celebration in Central Park.
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Announcer: All of them are like pouring acid into your ears, but it's an easy assignment and it gets me out of covering something even more painful like the Daughters of the Naval Pioneers.
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Announcer: Plus, I get a byline which is pretty rad for someone my age.
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Announcer: I'm allowed to go after side stories, which means I could be on my way to being the youngest person to win a Pulitzer if I can blow the lid off something sinister happening at Juniper Hollow.
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Announcer: I was hoping my story would be a head spinning slug of murder and spooks.
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Announcer: Until then though, I had to earn a living.
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Announcer: My allowance from Dad is so small, I'm ashamed to talk about it.
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Announcer: That's why losing our best customer in Las Vegas was a real kick in the nads.
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Announcer: And they were definitely exposed.
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Announcer: I drove all the way home to Naval naked as the day I was born.
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Announcer: It shouldn't have been this way.
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Announcer: Kaylee knew I only had a few minutes to drop off an order of Agent Orange and make a quick deposit in her pussy bank.
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Announcer: My dad thought I was hanging around Naval for the day.
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Announcer: Taj was working at the pool.
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Announcer: He showers there after work, and we usually stay in town on Saturday nights, taking our girlfriends out for dinner, and then on to a party or over to the skimboard park at Cinnamon Sands.
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Announcer: I don't have a main squeeze in Naval.
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Announcer: I've dated Courtney Fletcher more than most girls, but that's only because she's so easy.
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Announcer: I'm in the process of switching to Danica, even though Taj acts like I'm cutting off his pecker.
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Announcer: Until now, I thought Kaylee was just a weed customer with benefits who didn't care where I dipped my wick.
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Announcer: Wrong-o!
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Announcer: Just because she popped my cherry, shouldn't mean I have to be her little bitch.
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Announcer: Kaylee is such a space nugget.
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Announcer: Of course she forgot I was coming, even though I texted her twice.
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Announcer: Her roommate let me in, offering me a drink.
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Announcer: It was one of those red fruity things with lots of crushed ice and a near lethal dose of Everclear.
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Announcer: I was blitzed after just a couple drinks.
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Announcer: My tongue was as bright as a Santa suit, which is what started the whole thing with Kaylee's roommate.
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Announcer: She wanted to lick it.
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Announcer: What was I supposed to do?
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Announcer: Tell a college chick with fabulous flippers that I'm saving myself for marriage?
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Announcer: And really, I thought it was just going to be a little spit swap and maybe a quick nuzzle of her titties.
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Announcer: I almost blew my cork when she shoved her hand down my pants.
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Announcer: The one thing I did correctly was to leave Skitters in Navel, even though he was clearly torqued about it.
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Announcer: In the Screwed the Pooch column?
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Announcer: A failure to pick up my jeans when I stumbled into the bedroom with Kaylee's roommate.
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Announcer: My pants were the first thing Kaylee saw when she finally came home.
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Announcer: I was asleep at that point, exhausted by the booze and the spectacular boning.
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Announcer: Kaylee expressed her extreme displeasure by kicking open the bedroom door.
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Announcer: The worst part was Kaylee wasn't alone.
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Announcer: There was a college size woolly mammoth with her.
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Announcer: Shit.
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Announcer: I nearly collided midair with Kaylee's roommate as we both jumped up at the same time, startled by the string of obscenities Kaylee was screaming at the top of her lungs.
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Announcer: Things like poop slurping fuckface and I hope you catch penis rot.
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Announcer: Was that even a thing?
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Announcer: If so, I can't imagine anything worse than watching my pork sword come down with gangrene.
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Announcer: Jesus Christ!
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Announcer: Was that a golf club in Kaylee's hand?
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Announcer: Whatever it was, it shattered the lamp on the dresser.
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Announcer: Not giving my clothes a second thought, I made for the window.
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Announcer: Thank God we opened it.
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Announcer: Kaylee's roommate had pinched a blunt from one of the baggies.
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Announcer: Taj usually measures everything slightly over, just so no one can call us Bogarts.
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Announcer: Given Kaylee's reaction to me slinging it to her roommate, I'll bet she doesn't like to share her pot either.
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Announcer: My shin slammed onto the edge of the window.
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Announcer: The metal part on the bottom of the frame dug deep enough to leave a mark without cutting the skin.
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Announcer: The window was waist high facing the second floor walkway outside of Kaylee's apartment.
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Announcer: I hit the concrete head first.
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Announcer: Lucky I didn't knock myself out.
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Announcer: A girl with a laundry basket climbing the steps took one look at me sprawled out naked and grabbed her cell phone.
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Announcer: Holy fuck buckets, what if dad finds out I was in Vegas?
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Announcer: Panicked, I bolted straight towards her with my danglers swaying in the breeze.
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Announcer: Charging ahead with my best junk forward, must have wigged the girl out because she dropped the laundry basket, spilling her clothes, turned and ran.
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Announcer: I scrambled down the stairs after her, not meaning to start a chase, just trying to get the hell away from Kaylee and that cyclops lumbering behind her.
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Announcer: I tripped over a pile of undies and t-shirts two stairs from the bottom, plunging forward with my hands sprawled in front of me.
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Announcer: I felt my skin tear, thinking, this is gonna hurt.
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Announcer: Fear delayed the pain long enough for me to get back on my feet.
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Announcer: Now, there were several people in the courtyard, pointing and talking.
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Announcer: I sprinted towards the street, looking for a safe place to hide.
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Announcer: Time was both my savior and my enemy.
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Announcer: It was almost dark, which meant I would be pushing my curfew.
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Announcer: The good news was I had a little cover.
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Announcer: Spotting a hedge of manicured bushes, I lunged, diving in head first.
00:13:42.743 --> 00:13:47.703
Announcer: The leafy branches scratched me from head to foot and only hid half my body.
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Announcer: I scrambled through to the other side and kept running.
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Announcer: Cars were honking as I streaked toward a bunch of garbage cans lined up at the curb.
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Announcer: Wedging between a couple of seriously sticky and putrid smelling bins, I took a minute to catch my breath.
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Announcer: The jeep was a block away.
00:14:08.043 --> 00:14:09.383
Announcer: I mapped out my route.
00:14:10.203 --> 00:14:15.143
Announcer: The first point was across the street to a house with a bunch of palm trees and yucca plants.
00:14:16.083 --> 00:14:20.563
Announcer: Nothing there would give me much coverage, but it got me closer to the jeep.
00:14:21.143 --> 00:14:27.083
Announcer: It took some time and a few more car honks, but I was finally able to reach my ride.
00:14:27.383 --> 00:14:33.963
Announcer: Dad knew I'd lose my key every other day, so he had a keyless entry pad installed on the door panel.
00:14:34.423 --> 00:14:41.123
Announcer: Little did he know that it probably saved me from getting my ass pounded by the King Kong running around with Kaylee.
00:14:41.683 --> 00:14:48.443
Announcer: I always leave my wallet with the key in the glove box, just in case I'm ever at a party where the cops show up.
00:14:48.963 --> 00:14:56.323
Announcer: I had a cell phone in the pocket of the pants I left in Kaylee's apartment, but it was a burner I used strictly for business.
00:14:56.983 --> 00:14:59.463
Announcer: The only thing I didn't have were clothes.
00:15:00.163 --> 00:15:05.423
Announcer: I thought about stopping by our house, but changed my mind when I saw how late it was.
00:15:06.163 --> 00:15:07.503
Announcer: Almost 9pm.
00:15:08.223 --> 00:15:13.803
Announcer: Everything in Naval shuts down by 9, and every girl we date has to be home by 10.
00:15:14.303 --> 00:15:24.443
Announcer: Dad gives us a little grace period since we don't live in town, but I'm expected to be tucked in my bed like a good little boy by 11pm every night.
00:15:25.103 --> 00:15:29.283
Announcer: Making matters worse, Utah is an hour ahead of Nevada.
00:15:29.943 --> 00:15:34.383
Announcer: I covered my cock with a soiled bag from Holy Cow Hamburgers.
00:15:35.263 --> 00:15:38.783
Announcer: It was greasy and smelled like three-day-old boogers.
00:15:39.483 --> 00:15:43.823
Announcer: I followed the speed limit all the way out of Vegas, not wanting to get pulled over.
00:15:44.803 --> 00:15:50.383
Announcer: Outside of town, I allowed myself to go between 10 and 15 miles over the speed limit.
00:15:50.843 --> 00:15:54.103
Announcer: In reality, I was just driving with the flow of traffic.
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Announcer: Everyone is in a hurry to leave Las Vegas.
00:15:58.063 --> 00:16:03.883
Announcer: It was 11.06 by the time I turned on to the 25-mile dirt road leading to Naval.
00:16:04.543 --> 00:16:09.383
Announcer: I opened up the throttle and strapped in for the bounciest ride of my life.
00:16:09.943 --> 00:16:10.903
Announcer: Half an hour late.
00:16:11.603 --> 00:16:12.983
Announcer: Of course dad knew.
00:16:13.503 --> 00:16:16.623
Announcer: He came out to the Jeep when I pulled into Legacy Grove.
00:16:17.123 --> 00:16:19.463
Announcer: Damn, that new lighting dad installed.
00:16:20.063 --> 00:16:22.263
Announcer: It was as bright as a summer morning.
00:16:22.903 --> 00:16:28.563
Announcer: The burger bag was still covering the family jewels, but it was obvious I wasn't wearing any clothes.
00:16:29.263 --> 00:16:35.143
Announcer: Dad caught me red-handed, assuming, I guess, I was out there committing aggravated spermicide.
00:16:35.683 --> 00:16:38.103
Announcer: Better than getting nailed on a curfew violation.
00:16:38.803 --> 00:16:39.963
Announcer: But dad should talk.
00:16:40.563 --> 00:16:43.943
Announcer: He turns into Captain Underoo whenever he gets the chance.
00:16:44.683 --> 00:16:49.863
Announcer: I have to remind him to put on pants when moon comes over, which is a lot lately.
00:16:50.603 --> 00:16:56.103
Announcer: Anyway, I was embarrassed as hell by dad's little masturbation speech.
00:16:56.963 --> 00:16:57.603
Announcer: Gross!
00:16:58.243 --> 00:17:11.323
Announcer: It saved me from getting in trouble, although I'm not sure what was worse, getting grounded or listening to my dad talk about how natural it is for a boy my age to experiment.
00:17:11.863 --> 00:17:12.343
Really?
00:17:12.363 --> 00:17:17.103
Announcer: I had to restrain myself from shouting out, I don't need to beat off.
00:17:17.583 --> 00:17:19.003
Announcer: I get laid for real.
00:17:19.483 --> 00:17:26.063
Announcer: Taj didn't think this story was funny, mostly because it involved me coming back from Las Vegas without any money.
00:17:26.623 --> 00:17:36.283
Announcer: That plus the fact that while this was the ultimate stick your dick in a cherry pie moment, my dad was no Eugene Levy, and this wasn't a movie starring Jason Biggs.
00:17:36.723 --> 00:17:40.383
Announcer: All Taj cared about was finding another place to unload some weed.
00:17:41.043 --> 00:17:44.903
Announcer: You don't have a girlfriend now, so why are your underpants on the skids?
00:17:45.343 --> 00:17:45.903
Announcer: I asked.
00:17:46.463 --> 00:17:48.723
Announcer: Okay, that wasn't the right thing to say.
00:17:49.603 --> 00:17:54.543
Announcer: I may have played a small role in the problem, but Kaylee is schizo.
00:17:54.923 --> 00:18:00.143
Announcer: Help me get this thing done at Juniper Hollow, and then I'll go back and make some sales calls.
00:18:00.643 --> 00:18:03.063
Announcer: There was no way Taj could come with me.
00:18:03.503 --> 00:18:04.923
Announcer: He worked every weekend.
00:18:05.363 --> 00:18:07.963
Announcer: Dad would notice if we tried to go during the week.
00:18:08.463 --> 00:18:14.383
Announcer: Kind of weird when you think about how little attention Dad pays to me when I'm right in his friggin house.
00:18:15.003 --> 00:18:21.963
Announcer: Unless, of course, he thinks I'm tickling my chumbawumba, then he wants to shoot the breeze like we're locker room buddies.
00:18:23.863 --> 00:18:25.083
Announcer: Hang tight, kitties.
00:18:25.403 --> 00:18:26.963
Announcer: We'll be back in a scratch.
00:18:31.343 --> 00:18:33.663
Announcer: In the mood for a killer audiobook?
00:18:34.283 --> 00:18:41.163
Announcer: Quirky Killers by Adele Park is the story of a serial bride who sends her husbands to heaven in a hurry.
00:18:41.743 --> 00:18:48.783
Announcer: Too bad the cops don't see the humor in this and arrest this woman who is just trying to make sure everyone gets to meet God.
00:18:49.623 --> 00:18:53.303
Announcer: Quirky Killers, get it today on audible.com.
00:18:53.683 --> 00:18:55.183
Announcer: You'll die laughing.
00:18:59.663 --> 00:19:00.323
Announcer: PetLife Radio.
00:19:00.343 --> 00:19:04.063
Announcer: petliferadio.com petliferadio.com petliferadio.com Subscribe to petliferadio.com.
00:19:04.063 --> 00:19:13.123
Announcer: I had an interview scheduled with Jasper Stratton for Friday afternoon.
00:19:13.983 --> 00:19:23.943
Announcer: I've spent enough time surveilling Juniper Hollow to know that Jasper's gym groupies showed up around dinnertime on Fridays and left bright and early on Sunday mornings.
00:19:24.443 --> 00:19:28.463
Announcer: I needed a plan to catch them in the act of whatever it was they were doing.
00:19:29.103 --> 00:19:35.923
Announcer: My guess was Prostes, although the polygamist girls Jasper brought with him are hardcore Uggers, even the young ones.
00:19:36.883 --> 00:19:43.683
Announcer: This might sound insensitive to today's PC police, but I can't see much of a market for these girls.
00:19:44.463 --> 00:19:51.443
Announcer: If Jasper is dealing drugs, that's bad too, but only because if he gets arrested, it makes me a hypocrite.
00:19:51.963 --> 00:19:53.683
Announcer: Drug laws are stupid.
00:19:54.223 --> 00:19:57.163
Announcer: They don't do anything to stop people from partying.
00:19:58.043 --> 00:20:03.063
Announcer: My dad says the cops use these laws to go after blacks and Latinos.
00:20:04.023 --> 00:20:06.483
Announcer: He calls it the New Jim Crow.
00:20:07.343 --> 00:20:13.463
Announcer: I have no idea what that means, but some people think Taj is Latino or even Chinese.
00:20:14.223 --> 00:20:25.743
Announcer: Taj may be a whiner when it comes to Danica, but if some racist prick ever tries to put the screws to him, I'll get the whole thing on video and upload it to YouTube.
00:20:26.543 --> 00:20:29.063
Announcer: Then I'll sick the gay mafia on them.
00:20:30.023 --> 00:20:31.503
Announcer: I have connections, you know.
00:20:32.163 --> 00:20:38.743
Announcer: What I really wanted was to make sure there wasn't any Stephen King kind of shit going down at Juniper Hollow.
00:20:39.163 --> 00:20:46.303
Announcer: Boyd Fletcher hasn't come right out and said it, but he acts like Sabrina the Teenage Witch is on her way over for coffee.
00:20:46.923 --> 00:20:53.763
Announcer: After what happened when I nabbed a bottle of booze from our house in Vegas, I'm not so sure Boyd is crazy.
00:20:54.123 --> 00:20:57.423
Announcer: That was another reason I didn't stop by for a pair of pants.
00:20:58.163 --> 00:21:01.923
Announcer: I'd rather get handcuffed in my birthday suit than go in there alone.
00:21:02.943 --> 00:21:11.103
Announcer: I could have grabbed a pair at Taj's house, which is where most of my stuff is anyway, but if his dad was home, I'd be busted.
00:21:11.903 --> 00:21:19.883
Announcer: Boyd doesn't care what rules I break, as long as I promise to stay out of the catacombs underneath Granite Ridge.
00:21:20.723 --> 00:21:25.583
Announcer: People have died in there, and not always because someone decided to take them out.
00:21:26.023 --> 00:21:32.363
Announcer: There's a dodgy set of iron pegs that go from the top of Granite Ridge to the bottom of the catacombs.
00:21:33.223 --> 00:21:38.823
Announcer: Good luck finding your way out if you manage to avoid breaking your neck climbing down.
00:21:39.743 --> 00:21:50.063
Announcer: Boyd's got lots of stories about how the mob used the Maze of Caves to cover up their booze business back in the day when liquor was illegal everywhere in the US.
00:21:50.543 --> 00:21:54.723
Announcer: Not just Mormony Naval where people won't even use cooking sherry.
00:21:55.543 --> 00:21:59.983
Announcer: I know this because Taj tried to buy some at a Garden of Goodness grocery.
00:22:00.523 --> 00:22:05.943
Announcer: They looked at him like he had just asked for ingredients to make a nuclear bomb.
00:22:06.483 --> 00:22:11.923
Announcer: Without meaning to, Dad helped me figure out a plan for penetrating Juniper Hollow.
00:22:12.323 --> 00:22:17.703
Announcer: Now that Taj is sleeping in the house, Dad has to go outside to blubber over Blue.
00:22:18.443 --> 00:22:21.263
Announcer: He hangs out on the bench at the far end of the orchard.
00:22:21.763 --> 00:22:25.543
Announcer: Blue had been planting her Christmas trees in a little garden area there.
00:22:26.023 --> 00:22:28.883
Announcer: Taj and I snuck over one night and watched Dad.
00:22:29.523 --> 00:22:32.603
Announcer: He goes there after dinner and howls like a banshee.
00:22:33.363 --> 00:22:35.603
Announcer: Taj calls it the Wailing Wall.
00:22:36.323 --> 00:22:41.723
Announcer: He's been to the Real Deal in Jerusalem and says people who go there act just like Dad.
00:22:42.263 --> 00:22:45.243
Announcer: What was important about this was the video monitor.
00:22:45.863 --> 00:22:48.843
Announcer: There was no way Dad would leave Rudy unattended.
00:22:49.423 --> 00:22:53.403
Announcer: Even when he's sleeping like a baby, which doesn't happen very often.
00:22:54.123 --> 00:22:59.223
Announcer: Usually Rudy is awake and working the room like a professional shitstormer.
00:22:59.923 --> 00:23:02.023
Announcer: My editor doesn't know what I'm up to.
00:23:02.703 --> 00:23:07.703
Announcer: She can thank me later when I drop the story of the century on her desk at the banner.
00:23:08.163 --> 00:23:10.563
Announcer: Jasper was the only one I had to convince.
00:23:11.463 --> 00:23:12.763
Announcer: It wasn't that hard.
00:23:13.583 --> 00:23:16.443
Announcer: All I had to tell him was that I wanted muscles like his.
00:23:17.243 --> 00:23:19.783
Announcer: Jasper's overinflated ego took over.
00:23:20.343 --> 00:23:26.603
Announcer: We met in the packing plant, which smelled like someone had popped open a century old can of mold-infested fungus.
00:23:27.623 --> 00:23:33.483
Announcer: Skitters was with me, not willing to stay home even though last time I left him, it likely saved his life.
00:23:34.403 --> 00:23:39.423
Announcer: I just hoped Skitters wouldn't get in a brawl with that spastic dog who lives in the residence.
00:23:40.163 --> 00:23:47.583
Announcer: After a mind-numbing lecture on how all these crappy pills work, we finally moved to the outdoor gym.
00:23:48.563 --> 00:23:53.683
Announcer: I asked Jasper if he could show me a couple lifts and let me take a few photos.
00:23:54.363 --> 00:24:01.343
Announcer: Skitters pranced right along after us, acting like he was just another day tripper on an exceptionally boring tour.
00:24:01.663 --> 00:24:03.763
Announcer: The gym is outside on the second floor.
00:24:04.343 --> 00:24:12.663
Announcer: You get there by going through this huge room that looks like a Costco size version of my dad's man cave minus the bar.
00:24:13.383 --> 00:24:17.103
Announcer: Jasper is one of these dorks who likes to get high on life.
00:24:17.603 --> 00:24:18.063
Announcer: Whatever.
00:24:18.763 --> 00:24:22.323
Announcer: I slung my backpack in a corner and followed him out onto the deck.
00:24:23.103 --> 00:24:24.543
Announcer: The monitor was turned on.
00:24:25.123 --> 00:24:28.363
Announcer: Jasper reminded me of why I never pump iron.
00:24:28.923 --> 00:24:32.583
Announcer: It sucks balls, and not in the way Taj would appreciate.
00:24:33.423 --> 00:24:38.483
Announcer: My muscles felt like they were being surgically detached, tendon by tendon.
00:24:39.123 --> 00:24:41.563
Announcer: I almost shouted for joy when I got to leave.
00:24:42.483 --> 00:24:51.603
Announcer: Without the backpack, Jasper walked me and Skitters out to the jeep, waving like we were valued family members setting out on a journey of a lifetime.
00:24:52.263 --> 00:24:53.563
Announcer: We didn't go very far.
00:24:54.083 --> 00:25:03.943
Announcer: Circling around the outside of Juniper Hollow to the opening for the sneak, Taj was already there, enjoying what looked like a footlong sandwich from our daily bread.
00:25:04.723 --> 00:25:06.503
Announcer: Thanks for asking if I wanted one.
00:25:07.223 --> 00:25:13.143
Announcer: Obviously, Taj was still mad at me, but not to the point where he'd miss out on this kind of action.
00:25:13.883 --> 00:25:18.023
Announcer: He gets off on close calls, just not ones that involve girls.
00:25:18.683 --> 00:25:25.223
Announcer: I stashed the Jeep in a grove of pinyon trees, cringing when I heard branches scraping against the sides.
00:25:25.883 --> 00:25:30.043
Announcer: Taj was sharing part of his sandwich with Skitters when I got back to the sneak.
00:25:30.683 --> 00:25:38.883
Announcer: My dad is a tech head like none other, but even with the pricey equipment, we still had to get dangerously close for it to work.
00:25:39.503 --> 00:25:40.983
Announcer: By now, it was dark.
00:25:41.483 --> 00:25:45.463
Announcer: We told dad we had plans in town which bought us a little time.
00:25:46.423 --> 00:25:53.603
Announcer: Sneaking around the perimeter of the residence, we tried a bunch of different spots trying to get an image from the unit in the backpack.
00:25:54.283 --> 00:26:00.723
Announcer: Unless they were snorting drugs directly over the open flap, there was almost no chance of getting any footage.
00:26:01.363 --> 00:26:03.043
Announcer: Turns out, we didn't need it.
00:26:03.843 --> 00:26:06.103
Announcer: We could hear almost everything.
00:26:06.903 --> 00:26:11.683
Announcer: I held up my end of the baby cam while Taj recorded the sound on his cell phone.
00:26:12.183 --> 00:26:14.963
Announcer: My dad makes a living tinkering with assholes.
00:26:15.663 --> 00:26:18.723
Announcer: I don't think there's a single one he wouldn't take a look at.
00:26:19.063 --> 00:26:25.543
Announcer: That said, the stuff Jasper and his goonies were up to involved buttholes on a mind-blowing level.
00:26:25.963 --> 00:26:29.463
Announcer: We taped almost 45 minutes of audio.
00:26:30.263 --> 00:26:34.703
Announcer: Wow, I never would have guessed what those ham bones were doing.
00:26:35.683 --> 00:26:38.163
Announcer: All I had to do now was get my backpack.
00:26:39.063 --> 00:26:41.643
Announcer: I waited until the next morning to call Jasper.
00:26:42.203 --> 00:26:43.763
Announcer: He sounded weird.
00:26:44.583 --> 00:26:49.463
Announcer: I couldn't tell if he was just sleeping off a night of chubby chasing or if he was on to me.
00:26:50.183 --> 00:26:51.763
Announcer: I asked if Taj could come with me.
00:26:52.303 --> 00:26:53.363
Announcer: Jasper said no.
00:26:53.883 --> 00:26:55.523
Announcer: It would be better if I came alone.
00:26:55.543 --> 00:26:56.383
Announcer: Uh-oh.
00:26:57.043 --> 00:27:02.203
Announcer: I had Taj hide in the sneak with his cell phone, ready to call for help if I needed it.
00:27:02.883 --> 00:27:06.523
Announcer: It was a Saturday morning, which meant Kip Nichols was on patrol.
00:27:07.143 --> 00:27:11.023
Announcer: Working for the banner, I know the shift rotations at the cop shop.
00:27:11.823 --> 00:27:14.243
Announcer: They try to put Kip on when nothing's happening.
00:27:14.803 --> 00:27:17.803
Announcer: Other than Saturdays, Kip usually works at night.
00:27:18.583 --> 00:27:21.943
Announcer: Too bad he was on duty when Blue McKenna kicked the can.
00:27:22.623 --> 00:27:31.243
Announcer: Even if Jasper is loading those buckets of protein powder he sells with crank, I know now he didn't have anything to do with Blue's death.
00:27:31.903 --> 00:27:34.483
Announcer: He might have something to do with mine, however.
00:27:35.063 --> 00:27:41.603
Announcer: That's the impression I had when Jasper led me to his party room, shut the door, and held up the baby monitor.
00:27:43.123 --> 00:27:44.583
Announcer: Pack your bags, kitties.
00:27:44.883 --> 00:27:47.763
Announcer: It's time to take a trip to quirky cannabis country.
00:27:48.403 --> 00:27:55.603
Announcer: Find out what happens when a rider turns to reality TV as a way to cure an apocalyptic case of rider's block.
00:27:56.143 --> 00:28:00.423
Announcer: Reefer Madness ensues in Quirky Cannabis Country by Adele Park.
00:28:01.123 --> 00:28:06.403
Announcer: Get Quirky Cannabis Country today on audible.com, Overdrive, and Bookbeat.
00:28:06.903 --> 00:28:12.963
Announcer: Let's talk pets, every week, on demand, only on petliferadio.com.