Chapter 08 Ghosted
Taj Wakefield is finding life with a sarcastic cat isn't all purrs and pets. Life gets in the way and hearts are about to be broken. Tune in to the Quirky Cat Nips Podcast as we air Chapter 08 of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted in our ongoing presentation of this hilarious audiobook. Meow Kitties!
Listen to Episode #13 Now:
Transcript:
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Announcer: This is Pet Life Radio.
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Announcer: Let's talk pets.
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Announcer: Today on the Quirky Cat Nips Podcast, we're airing a chapter of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted, which we will do until the entire audio book has been broadcasted.
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Announcer: We invite all you kitties to kick back now, relax, and enjoy Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted by Adele Park.
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Announcer: Audio Recording St.
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Announcer: George Presents Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted Written, produced and edited by Adele Park Narrated by a full cast.
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Announcer: A cast.
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Announcer: A Directive from Gertrude Fletcher, Head of the Naval Utah Department of Motor Vehicles.
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Announcer: Part 08.
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You can run, but you cannot hide.
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Many have tried, few have succeeded.
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Not even people who have spent their entire lives on the run, either from their families, the law, or themselves.
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I was born into a large Irish Catholic family in New Jersey.
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Papa got hired and fired from a variety of jobs.
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Although he loved working with animals, wagering was one of Papa's many vices.
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Convinced a certain horse would outrun even the greatest odds, Papa bet and lost his paycheck over and over again.
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He began to borrow against future work, eventually falling into a debt he couldn't repay.
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Two intimidating men came to our house one evening.
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I recognized one of them from the horse track.
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They were there to settle Papa's debt.
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Thinking quickly, Mother hustled Papa out the back door while I stalled for time.
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When Mother reported that Papa wasn't at home, the meaner of the two started asking what we should do to pay back the money that was owed.
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Straightening my shoulders, I said, I'll work it off.
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It sounded preposterous coming from a 16 year old.
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The man gave me a lecherous look and said he wasn't interested in what I had to offer.
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Another girl might have felt ashamed or embarrassed by this remark.
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I didn't.
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I can do everything Mary Ellen does, I said.
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The track was near St.
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Aloysius Catholic High School.
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I walked there after class and rode home with Papa at the end of the day.
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Two of my brothers were already working there, mucking out stalls and hauling hay.
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Mary Ellen worked in the front office and mismanaged everything.
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Papa remained on the run, writing letters about becoming a new man, but never quite managing to share his righteous way of living with his family.
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Hiding from one's authentic self only lasts for so long.
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One simply can't escape from the inner core of their being.
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Taj Wakefield, while still too young to possess a driver's license, was attempting to build his life on a foundation of secrets.
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That's like constructing a high-rise hotel on a beach with no supporting structure.
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Sooner or later, it was all going to go out with the tide.
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Next!
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In case you haven't noticed, you've been ghosted.
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Chapter 08, Taj Wakefield I'm shaving my beard before I'm even able to grow one.
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I just can't live a lie anymore.
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Not unless I want another run-in with Danica's Vajayjay.
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I thought Sing Blue's Cherry Pie was horrifying enough, but at least the world got a baby out of that freak show.
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Seriously, I'd rather look at close-up pictures of colon polyps that Brandon's dad has on his cell phone.
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I thought the advantage of dating a Mormon girl was you got to keep your virginity, even when you wanted everyone else to think otherwise.
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Danica launched me into manhood during Homecoming Weekend, at least in the eyes of the kids I go to school with at North Platte.
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She was my date for the dance, showing up with a cousin who was supposed to be her chaperone.
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Luckily, Danica's tender was so juiced by all the shopping malls, she wasn't even at the hotel when we came by in the limo.
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Lots of kids at North Platte come to Homecoming in stretches.
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I think Brandon and I were the only ones who foot the bill for our own ride, paid for by weed money.
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We both worked last summer, but most of that dried up a long time ago.
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Brandon paid for his share of the limo by charging me to ride with him to school.
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He's such a cheap ass.
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Not to his girlfriends, of course, which is part of the reason he has so many of them.
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I don't remember the name of the girl who was Brandon's date for Homecoming.
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He has a certain type and they all look alike.
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Blonde hair, big boobs, no brain, very forgettable.
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That's why when Brandon wanted to put the squeeze on Danica, I almost lost my freaking mind.
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Thanks to her, most of the kids we hang out with assume she got me laid on the night of Homecoming.
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We started with dinner at Rave, the steakhouse at Diamonds in the Desert Casino.
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Since we were no longer trying to sell dope there, we felt safe going back.
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The girls were impressed, so I guess it was worth it.
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We put in an appearance at the Homecoming dance, taking tons of pics so our parents would know we actually went there.
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Danica was enjoying the attention of being the mysterious out of town girlfriend.
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The after party was at a ritzy house, owned by a senior I never met, even after spending more than two hours rolling around on his parents' bed.
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Things were getting hot and heavy with Danica, but not as much as everyone thought.
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When we finally came out, a rowdy group of drunk high schoolers applauded and whistled.
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I thought Danica would be totally embarrassed, but she wasn't.
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I think she was trying to prove that she wasn't a hick from the sticks.
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She's definitely trying to verify that now.
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One of the more progressive things about Danica is our open relationship status.
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We decided at the end of last summer we wouldn't be exclusive, since we live so far apart.
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At the time, I wasn't expecting to see her as much as I did.
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Because of Blue being pregnant and wanting to have her baby in navel, we went there a lot.
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Neither me or Danica even considered going out with anyone else until New Year's.
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Danica's youth church group has a formal winter ball on New Year's Eve.
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It's bigger than any of the dances at her school and designed to make sure the teens in town weren't out trying to have any actual fun.
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I was bummed I couldn't go.
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My dad made me spend the first half of Christmas vacation with my stepsisters, who barely know me and would like to keep it that way.
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The second half was worse.
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Seven days with my grandparents in Florida.
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Mom was there, but she's just as uncomfortable around them as me.
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She brought her boyfriend, which made things even more frosty than usual.
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Until then, I couldn't stand the guy, but since we were both derelicts in the eyes of my mom's parents, we kinda bonded.
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One day when grandfather aggrieved, was yelling along with Fox News about how Muslims were terrorizing our country.
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Mom's boyfriend took me bowling.
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We both sucked, but it was nice to get away from all that negative juju.
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He even laughed at my Pakistani jokes.
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My junk really packs a punch, if you know what I mean.
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An obvious reference to the famed underpants bomber.
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Quick question, how did this guy expect to service 72 virgins if he'd blown off his peepee?
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I really am asking for a friend.
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I wouldn't decapitate my jack in the box for any virgin, male or female.
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New Year's was an especially painful affair.
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We had dinner at my grandparents' country club.
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They undoubtedly had to talk with the management prior to our arrival, so they wouldn't call in a SWAT team when a teenager with brown skin penetrated their supremely white sanctuary.
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While all this was going on, Danica was at the Winter Ball with Matthew Howard, a guy she went to school with in Naval.
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I told Danica a million times it was okay.
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Why should she miss the biggest event of the year just because I had to have dinner with a racist?
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I even helped her decide what to wear.
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None of this stopped me from crying in the flamingo-themed bathroom stall at the country club.
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I was in there so long, grandfather came to check on me.
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I made a bunch of truly disgusting fake bathroom noises so he'd leave.
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You can't hang out with the son of a rectal surgeon and not know how to imitate a squishy poop.
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I didn't date anyone besides Danica until just before Valentine's Day.
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Right after that regrettable Christmas, I joined a dive team at the rec center near our house in Las Vegas.
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I'd been invited to try out by a guy named Bruce Weston, who'd seen me and Brandon doing tricks off the high dive.
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I had spent a lot of time at the rec center during the fall, taking classes to become a lifeguard and getting certified to teach swim lessons.
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Bruce was on the stingrays, a swim team that worked out there.
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My dad won't let me have a job during the school year, so I figured, why not?
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Looking back, I think I must have flashed up on Bruce's Gator long before I even knew I was such a tasty, tender target.
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He seemed to get me, in a way neither Brandon or Danica ever could.
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Bruce went to another high school, and he had a car.
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He also had a boyfriend away at college, which I kept trying to forget.
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Like me, Bruce enjoys smoking a little weed.
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We'd get high and talk about different dives that would definitely result in a painful death if ever attempted.
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My caretaker, Mrs.
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McMurdy, is way too old to walk downstairs anymore.
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I took Bruce there once when we ditched practice, and another time when it was canceled.
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I wish I could have canceled the cancellation.
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It was the first time we kissed, although I sensed we'd been working up to that for a while.
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It felt a lot different than kissing Danica.
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Better.
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Much better.
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That is, until Brandon clomped down the stairs and said, Get a room, dudes!
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I gotta sleep here, you fucking homos!
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There's two bedrooms downstairs.
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I took one last fall, feeling like I was too old to sleep on the same floor as the grown-ups.
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When Blue died and Brandon moved into our house, the couch in our basement became his permanent domain.
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Most of his stuff was piled on the bed in the other downstairs room, but I've seen Brandon use his arm to clear all his crap off the couch, so that really wasn't the issue.
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He just can't sleep without the TV on, and there isn't one in the guest room.
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Some people would have been offended by the fucking homos comment.
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Not me.
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It was a lot better than Nugle Nuts.
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That became my name after Brandon overheard Danica call me snuggle butts one time.
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I worried Brandon might get all willied about me and Bruce.
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He didn't.
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He was actually pretty cool, saying I must be ACDC since I still had a thing for Danica.
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Brandon likes to point out his support of the gay community based on his obsession with lesbians.
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He'd trade his left ball sack to get in the middle of some girl on girl action.
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Personally, I can't imagine having to accommodate two of those gaping pink holes at the same time.
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Brandon never let on to anyone about Bruce.
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My entire romance only lasted about six weeks, so Brandon said maybe I didn't qualify as a queen anyway.
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I'm not so sure.
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Breaking up with Bruce hurt more than anything I've ever gone through, including a ruptured appendix.
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It happened over spring break while Brandon and I were in Colorado.
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Mom's boyfriend does marketing for the resorts in Aspen, so we got to ski for free.
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It should have been one of the funnest weeks on record.
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Instead, I spent it obsessively checking my phone, looking for messages from Bruce.
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Hey bro, how you doing?
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Just shredding some moguls, I casually texted on the first day of spring break.
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You're missing some primo snow.
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I texted the next day, along with a selfie of me and Brandon riding the lift, with our tongues hanging out like a couple of goons.
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I checked my phone so much, Brandon took it away.
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I snuck it out of his jeans pocket that night, and texted.
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Dude, are you mad at me?
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Then again the next morning, where the fuck are you, Bruce?
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The messages got worse after that.
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I couldn't help myself.
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It was like I had Tourette's, only with a cell phone.
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By the end of the week, it was clear Bruce had ghosted me.
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And I knew why.
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His college boy toy was home for spring break.
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Ashamed by my crybaby text messages, and humiliated beyond belief.
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I quit the dive team.
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I told my parents and Danica that the coach was a douchebag who never helped me.
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Actually, the opposite was true.
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I threw my swim coach under the bus, then ran him over.
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I felt so dirty lying to everyone, especially about my coach.
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I couldn't wait for summer, so I could start a whole new life.
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Hang tight, kitties.
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We'll be back in a scratch.
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What happens when cats and polygamous collide?
00:14:29.935 --> 00:14:33.375
Find out in Quirky Cat Goes Splat by Adele Park.
00:14:34.035 --> 00:14:39.535
Prance through quirky polygamist country with Skitters the Cat as he raises holy hell.
00:14:40.315 --> 00:14:41.975
Quirky Cat Goes Splat.
00:14:42.315 --> 00:14:44.575
Get it today on audible.com.
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Splat!
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Meow, bitches.
00:14:51.795 --> 00:14:52.795
Let's talk pets.
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Bruce texted me a few times after his hookup went back to college.
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I wasn't having any of it.
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I knew his boyfriend was coming back to Vegas for the summer and didn't want to spend three months checking for text messages that never came.
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A week of that was torture enough.
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To make myself feel better, I sent Danica a dozen long-stemmed roses from Heaven Sent Floral in Naval just to prime the pump for a hot summer romance.
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In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have told Danica about the missions me and Brandon call in each other to serve.
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She liked the whole play on Mormon missions, showing early signs that she thought a lot of the stuff she heard in church was total crap.
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It was Danica's idea to host a skinny-dip mission at the pool in Naval, knowing full well neither one of us would ever back down.
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Brandon invited Courtney Fletcher, a girl he dated last summer, then dumped after coming to his senses.
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Courtney is the only one Brandon could get to be his partner in what was being called Mission Impulsible.
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Danica came up with the name.
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Dorky for sure, but then a lot of the missions we do are.
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Courtney is the niece of Boyd Fletcher, the old yeller who lives up on Granite Ridge.
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Courtney is scared to death of Boyd, but Brandon isn't.
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We go up there all the time because Brandon's therapy cat is dating Boyd's cat.
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Yeah, kinda hard to believe Brandon has a therapy cat.
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I understand needing a companion, but seriously, skitters?
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You'd get more sympathy from a rabid raccoon.
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Skitters can't stand Courtney, so that relationship was never going anywhere.
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Not that any of them with Brandon ever do.
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Nothing in Navel happens after 9pm.
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We waited until 10 before sneaking out of the packing shed at Legacy Grove.
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I know, it sounds like we're being housed in a meat factory, but Scotty, Brandon's dad, is a first class spender when it comes to his man caves.
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The shed at Legacy Grove is as tricked out as the recording studio Scotty built in the backyard of their house in Las Vegas.
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There's a huge sectional sofa on one side that's big enough to sleep Scotty's band plus their groupies.
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That's where Brandon crashes.
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In both of the opposite corners, there are built-in leather booths.
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It was all part of a cabaret-style bar area that has a stage in the middle where the rectal surgeons play during parties.
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I sleep in the corner booth on the left.
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I'm small enough to make this comfortable, plus it means I don't have to be near the vibrating snorpoon Brandon turns into each night.
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I still had to put up with his damn TV, but I wear blackout goggles and make Brandon turn down the volume when I'm trying to sleep.
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Scotty would notice for sure if we tried to take Brandon's jeep, even if we put the thing in neutral and rolled it down the road before starting it up.
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What we did instead was stash one of the ATVs in a clump of sage bushes at the end of the lane.
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Danica and Courtney were waiting for us when we showed up at the pool in Naval.
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Danica is in her second year lifeguarding, which means she has a key and gets more hours.
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Because this was a mission, Danica insisted we scale the fence.
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It's 12 feet high, but at least there aren't any metal spikes at the top ready to rip your butt hole open.
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Sneaking into the pool was a bad idea, even for a guy like me who likes the rush of getting away with stuff.
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There was a lot more than a potential grounding at stake.
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I didn't want to lose my virginity or my job.
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As it is, I only get 20 hours a week lifeguarding because I'm a first year employee.
00:19:05.255 --> 00:19:10.055
I was able to get an extra 3 hours a week by teaching an infant swim class.
00:19:10.815 --> 00:19:13.075
That's the one Brandon's dad takes with Rudy.
00:19:13.875 --> 00:19:19.775
The low pay and puny work schedule means I'm staying in the drug business for the foreseeable future.
00:19:20.555 --> 00:19:27.235
It costs a fortune to date Danica even though she's low maintenance compared to some of the girls Brandon goes out with.
00:19:28.155 --> 00:19:32.335
Speaking of which, I think Brandon is a bad influence on Danica.
00:19:32.995 --> 00:19:36.695
She never would have come up with the whole pool mission if it wasn't for him.
00:19:37.195 --> 00:19:41.675
I'm pretty sure Brandon baited Danica, hoping to sneak a peek at her boobs.
00:19:42.315 --> 00:19:44.035
As for me, not so much.
00:19:44.675 --> 00:19:45.615
I saw them anyway.
00:19:45.815 --> 00:19:51.355
Plus Courtney's rack, which is definitely heading in the wrong direction even though she's still a teenager.
00:19:51.895 --> 00:19:57.355
When I agreed to this, I'd envisioned a quick strip in the dark, followed by a short dunk in the pool.
00:19:58.035 --> 00:19:59.995
Danica had other plans.
00:20:00.815 --> 00:20:04.935
I've never been fully naked with anyone, not even Bruce.
00:20:05.775 --> 00:20:09.715
I dropped Trow in about 10 seconds flat, then dove in the pool.
00:20:10.475 --> 00:20:14.415
We were near the shallow end, so I'm lucky I didn't knock myself out.
00:20:14.875 --> 00:20:20.215
Coming up for air, I saw Danica on the deck, waiting for me to watch her undress.
00:20:21.155 --> 00:20:24.375
The boob part was fine, familiar territory actually.
00:20:25.255 --> 00:20:29.055
It was the galley below that had me wanting to walk the plank.
00:20:29.595 --> 00:20:38.715
Danica was wearing the dainty white bikini underwear we bought when I took her on a forbidden trip to a Victoria's Secret store in Las Vegas during homecoming weekend.
00:20:39.735 --> 00:20:45.135
Somehow, those skivvies turned me off way more than Danica's usual Mormon undergarments.
00:20:45.915 --> 00:20:49.075
Have you ever seen a pair of those heinous undies?
00:20:49.815 --> 00:20:54.455
They look like those old-timey full-body bathing suits minus the stripes.
00:20:55.255 --> 00:20:59.195
Danica says they're supposed to provide protection against temptation.
00:20:59.755 --> 00:21:07.355
I'd say that was a grand slam, except Danica was standing on the side of the pool in nothing but a skimpy pair of panties.
00:21:08.055 --> 00:21:11.155
It wasn't anything I wanted to slam my ham into.
00:21:11.535 --> 00:21:12.775
That was for sure.
00:21:13.455 --> 00:21:18.815
Danica took her time taking them off, laughing nervously while she did a strip tease.
00:21:19.755 --> 00:21:22.555
Sorry, not working on me at all.
00:21:23.415 --> 00:21:29.155
I got more than an eyeful, almost sighing with relief when Danica finally jumped in the pool.
00:21:29.935 --> 00:21:32.435
I should have known it wouldn't end there.
00:21:33.455 --> 00:21:37.335
Brandon and Courtney were at the deep end, hopefully not watching us.
00:21:38.015 --> 00:21:40.175
Kissing Danica used to be fun.
00:21:40.775 --> 00:21:47.655
What were the odds a scrawny Pakistani reject would ever score a girlfriend, let alone one as cute as Danica?
00:21:48.455 --> 00:21:54.395
We smooched like it was swim practice, going for hours at a time whenever we could find a little privacy.
00:21:55.155 --> 00:21:57.075
Bruce ruined me for Danica.
00:21:57.955 --> 00:22:01.395
Even worse, Danica was wanting to go farther and farther.
00:22:02.195 --> 00:22:04.775
It wasn't an invitation to pop her cherry.
00:22:05.275 --> 00:22:07.495
No girl in Naval wanted that before marriage.
00:22:08.075 --> 00:22:09.595
Not even Courtney Fletcher.
00:22:10.015 --> 00:22:14.355
But she was all for everything else, stuff I didn't even do with Bruce.
00:22:15.075 --> 00:22:17.975
My shrinkage situation wasn't just from the cold water.
00:22:18.855 --> 00:22:23.395
Having Danica grab me by the McGillicuddies didn't do anything to improve it.
00:22:24.095 --> 00:22:29.795
When she tried to guide my fingers into her clam cluster, I went totally off the cob.
00:22:30.355 --> 00:22:33.895
Holy hot dogs, Danica, I said, nearly shouting.
00:22:34.775 --> 00:22:39.935
Panicked, I swam to the side of the pool, slipping on the coping as I tried to get out.
00:22:40.815 --> 00:22:43.375
My chin hit the deck, hard.
00:22:44.115 --> 00:22:46.955
It felt like I'd loosened every tooth in my mouth.
00:22:47.775 --> 00:22:54.395
Grabbing my shorts, I bolted for the shadows of the guard shack, putting them back on even quicker than they'd come off.
00:22:55.055 --> 00:23:01.035
Brandon and I do a debriefing after each mission, reliving the glory of getting away with something.
00:23:01.935 --> 00:23:07.955
It's also a time to discuss any mistakes we made, which in this case was serving the mission to begin with.
00:23:08.835 --> 00:23:13.275
For Brandon's part, the entire thing was a gold star performance.
00:23:13.895 --> 00:23:17.815
But then he didn't have to confront Danica's hoo-ha at close range.
00:23:18.715 --> 00:23:19.835
But he wanted to.
00:23:20.615 --> 00:23:24.195
It didn't take a psychic to read the tea leaves in this situation.
00:23:25.115 --> 00:23:30.295
If I didn't want to peer into Danica's pink jowls of life, we had to break up.
00:23:30.935 --> 00:23:34.415
Brandon reasoned if I didn't date her, then someone else would.
00:23:34.915 --> 00:23:38.275
Probably Matthew Howard, the guy she went to the winter ball with.
00:23:38.975 --> 00:23:43.495
Using Brandon's logic, it was better to have Danica dance with the devil I know.
00:23:44.215 --> 00:23:48.955
When it comes to girlfriends, Brandon is nothing short of sleazy over easy.
00:23:49.835 --> 00:23:57.635
I couldn't bear the thought of watching Brandon give Danica, the queen for a day now, return to the dungeon where you belong treatment tomorrow.
00:23:58.515 --> 00:24:02.335
My other option was watching Danica prance off with Matthew Howard.
00:24:03.275 --> 00:24:11.755
I tried to establish some ground rules for this invasion of the body snatchers, but I've been friends with Brandon long enough to know he'd never follow them.
00:24:12.335 --> 00:24:16.935
Brandon helped me come up with the whole it's not you, it's me method of retreat.
00:24:17.435 --> 00:24:21.675
Was I really going to use a line from Seinfeld to break up with Danica?
00:24:22.255 --> 00:24:26.175
Why not go full Sex in the City and break up on a Post-It note?
00:24:27.075 --> 00:24:29.815
No, you don't have to be gay to watch Sex in the City.
00:24:30.035 --> 00:24:32.595
You just have to have HBO, which we do.
00:24:33.155 --> 00:24:38.835
Danica looked like I just served her a hot turd Sunday when I tried out the Seinfeld line.
00:24:39.595 --> 00:24:41.895
She knew I was upset by the whole pool mission.
00:24:42.435 --> 00:24:43.815
She just didn't know why.
00:24:44.375 --> 00:24:47.555
Danica doesn't look anything like Brandon's usual victims.
00:24:48.215 --> 00:24:50.635
For one thing, Danica has brown hair.
00:24:51.215 --> 00:24:53.435
It goes almost all the way down her back.
00:24:54.335 --> 00:25:00.415
Danica's in great shape from swimming, but she walks with a slight limp because one leg is shorter than the other.
00:25:01.255 --> 00:25:07.295
During the school year, Danica and I worked really hard to rehabilitate ourselves from our previous nerd status.
00:25:08.155 --> 00:25:12.335
We spent hours surfing the net to check out the latest styles in clothes and hair.
00:25:13.235 --> 00:25:16.215
It takes me almost as much time to get ready as Danica.
00:25:16.815 --> 00:25:20.015
That's not because I'm gay, I just like to look nice.
00:25:20.795 --> 00:25:23.055
It takes time to spike my hair properly.
00:25:23.695 --> 00:25:28.855
Even with the appearance upgrades, I don't believe Brandon is actually attracted to Danica.
00:25:29.495 --> 00:25:34.075
He just can't stand not having every single girl fall all over him.
00:25:34.535 --> 00:25:39.195
Danica was never going to do that, which is one of the reasons Brandon had to have her.
00:25:39.915 --> 00:25:41.475
He's kind of a jerk that way.
00:25:42.295 --> 00:25:46.655
It was still better than watching Danica fall into the arms of Matthew Howard.
00:25:47.375 --> 00:25:49.935
Everything played out just like Brandon said.
00:25:50.675 --> 00:25:55.435
Confused about why we broke up, Danica started pumping Brandon for information.
00:25:56.135 --> 00:25:59.555
He was only too glad to be a shoulder for Danica to cry on.
00:25:59.995 --> 00:26:04.115
I couldn't stand to hear it, so I moved into Blue's old writing nook in the house.
00:26:04.795 --> 00:26:07.595
The whole room was about the size of a linen closet.
00:26:08.455 --> 00:26:15.175
It had a futon though, which was infinitely better than listening to Brandon lay his smarmy pickup lines on Danica.
00:26:15.715 --> 00:26:17.735
First, I tried sleeping in Lexi's room.
00:26:18.535 --> 00:26:24.855
In a moment of extremely bad judgment, she had painted it an ugly, decious shade of eggplant.
00:26:25.355 --> 00:26:28.775
It felt like I was sleeping in an oozing purple intestine.
00:26:29.395 --> 00:26:34.135
Suddenly, the nook didn't seem so bad, even though the place has a weird energy.
00:26:35.075 --> 00:26:40.115
One night when I came home from the pool, I saw that skitters had knocked Blue's tote bag off the desk.
00:26:40.835 --> 00:26:46.115
When I was cleaning it up, I noticed a photo album with nothing but shots of Juniper Hollow.
00:26:46.695 --> 00:26:51.995
On the subject of nightmares, that's exactly what my dream job at the pool has become.
00:26:52.715 --> 00:26:54.395
Danica won't even talk to me.
00:26:55.055 --> 00:26:56.555
Everyone knows we broke up.
00:26:57.295 --> 00:27:00.175
My coworkers get quiet when I come into the guard shack.
00:27:01.155 --> 00:27:03.575
Then, things got even worse.
00:27:04.315 --> 00:27:10.515
Bruce, my heartless ex-boyfriend, started texting me, asking if I could score him some Oasis weed.
00:27:11.295 --> 00:27:12.555
Crap on a cracker!
00:27:12.935 --> 00:27:15.855
Why did I ever tell him about Agent Orange?
00:27:16.415 --> 00:27:20.995
Brandon wasn't my favorite person these days, but I had to tell him about Bruce.
00:27:21.575 --> 00:27:23.295
He was threatening to come to Naval.
00:27:24.315 --> 00:27:29.855
We discussed ways to get back at Bruce over a large bowl of popcorn and a bag of Snickers bars.
00:27:30.555 --> 00:27:34.955
Many of them involved fantasies that sounded good, but were probably illegal.
00:27:35.675 --> 00:27:42.995
Brandon started calling him Bruce-ifer, promising if this cheating bastard ever came to Naval, he'd be sorry.
00:27:43.655 --> 00:27:46.115
For a minute, I stopped being mad at Brandon.
00:27:46.915 --> 00:27:48.795
That's when I handed over the photo album.
00:27:49.715 --> 00:27:54.835
I didn't give two twirly tits about Juniper Hollow, but Brandon still did.
00:27:56.855 --> 00:28:01.175
Can't wait to hear the rest of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted by Adele Park?
00:28:01.815 --> 00:28:05.995
Get ghosted today on Audible, Spotify and Barnes & Noble.
00:28:06.755 --> 00:28:08.195
Meow, bitches.
00:28:09.075 --> 00:28:13.095
I really don't like audio books, but this one kicks ass.
00:28:13.655 --> 00:28:20.015
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